A study released today by the LexCorp R&D Department shows promising evidence that drinking Dr. Pepper products will either turn you into a superhero or supervillain, depending on which type you drink.
“It all started with our company’s founder, Mr. Luthor,” explains one scientist who commented under the condition of anonymity, “he was holed up in his office for days just pounding can after can of Diet Dr. Pepper Cherry. I mean there was a pyramid of empties on his desk for crying out loud!”
And that’s when, according to the scientist, things took a very dark turn.
“All of the sudden, the man started to become obsessed with global domination and Superman,” says the Scientist, “we just thought it’s how he copes with the company stock tanking. We never imagined it had anything to do with what he was drinking.”
But it turns out, it does, according to LexCorp Industries. And they say they started to put the pieces together when they saw the world’s most wanted alien drinking the cherry-less version.
“Some photographer caught a shot of Superman drinking just regular Diet Dr. Pepper, and that’s when we thought, hey, wait a minute, maybe there’s something to these sodas,” said a board member who oversees Research and Development at LexCorp, “when we saw The Dark Knight himself pitching empties of regular Dr. Pepper as he cleaned out the Batmobile, we knew we were on to something.”
LexCorp says they don’t have all the science behind it figured out yet, but the evidence is undeniable.
“First we thought maybe the cherry flavoring gives you more evil tendencies, but it turns out Wonder Woman drinks Dr. Pepper Cherry – not the diet stuff – and, I mean, c’mon. That woman is a de facto saint,” said the board member.
Added the scientist, “but drinking real, sugary soda while rocking that bod? It’s amazing. There are just some things even science can’t explain.”
Scientists at LexCorp have also ruled out aspartame, the artificial sweetener that goes into Dr. Pepper’s diet sodas, as having any deciding factor of whether you turn into a superhero or supervillain since both Lex Luthor and Superman drink diet versions of Dr. Pepper products.
Asked about, Ms. Lois Lane of The Daily Planet and her regular consumption of Dr. Pepper Ten, the scientists also had an explanation for that.
“No, Ms. Lane does not appear to have any superpowers save for her amazing grammatical skills, but, I mean, all that Dr. Pepper flavor and just ten calories? That’s the real work of fallen aliens!”
Happy April Fool’s Day, everyone!
