– After watching Raw, I learned what it was like to be one of my college girlfriends: disappointed after having me prematurely ejaculate all over the place.

For, that is the feeling I had after seeing Punk walk out (while “Cult of Personality” played, no less), into the ring, and glared at Cena while the two held their belts up high.

Someone should inform WWE writers that shock value for shock values sake is not shock value… a true, genuine shock value is a built up explosion… not a group of mini-explosions.

Wait, I’m jumping around and I don’t mean too because I want this to be as complete as possible.

There were definite highs and lows throughout Raw on Monday, but nothing felt as low as when Cena pinned Rey Rey for the title, then CM Punk walked out to the ring.

Throughout it all… my brain was screaming why?

WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY!!! Why now, why this way, why prematurely ejaculate your creative seed all over the television.

This WHOLE DAMN THING could have played out over the next three weeks if the WWE felt this urge to get Punk back before SummerSlam. They could have played out the Rey Rey match on the Aug. 1 show, then have Punk walk out after that one. Or, better, let Rey Rey and Cena have the SummerSlam match and have Punk walk out on the Raw after.

But, by slamming all of this in one week – Triple H taking over, two title matches (resulting in Rey Rey having the shortest fucking WWE Title reign in history), then walking Punk out…you slammed it down my throat and wasted all the fucking hard work that you guys have done.

I mean, seriously…I was fucking CHARGED UP for this storyline when Punk invaded Triple H’s comic con speech (in case you haven’t seen it, go to YouTube and punch in “Punk and Comic con”…its awesome) and basically made Triple H look like a fool.

But, by bringing him back SO DAMNED SOON, you destroyed the idea that Punk is truly his own man – this rogue fucking guy running amuck with the WWE title – and instead showed that he is a member of the corporation.

Plus, I don’t care how he spins it…he said in the Comic-Con thing that he is “enjoying his time off…” and isn’t looking to work, yet – now – he’s back working with the WWE… and anything he says about how its a “new regime” and all that jazz he could use to explain it makes him seem… wishy washy.

No matter how you slice it, on Sunday night Punk was the rebel of the WWE, but on Monday night, we learned it was all a scam.

And, seriously, now I feel like THE HOT GIRL who I just prematurely ejaculated on (on that note, I’d like to officially apologize to Janet.)

Aside from that whole issue, I gotta say that Raw was pretty entertaining. The Rey Rey – Miz match was awesome, as was the Rey Rey vs. Cena match. Seeing Cena in his own finisher was great.

On top of it, Hunter’s regime started and, there is one thing I have to say about HHH, its nice seeing him as the COO. The fucker really is good on the mic – even if he does bring it too far sometimes. (example, the first time he started talking to his imaginary friends while R-Truth was in the ring, I laughed out loud. The second time, I snickered. The third time…I didn’t laugh at all until Truth told him “You’re crazy.“)

He’s great on the stick, but he also likes to hear his own voice sometimes…and that leads to speeches running a little too long for my taste.

But, on the plus side, any time you put JR back at the head of the table on Raw, it’s marked as a good thing. Not sure how this worked out – considering the love-hate relationship between Ross and Vinnie Mac – but I’m glad it did. Now, we’ll have to wait and see where Cole winds up – whether he heads back to SD for good, or if he continues to jump shows through the strange WWE time/space worm hole.

Also on the plus side – it was nice to see Zach Ryder get a win (albeit, against HHColeH) However, I fear the lack luster reaction Ryder got from the Virginia crowd will be justification by the WWE Creative that Ryder doesn’t deserve TV time, when, in reality, he deserves more backstage segments and less wrestling. Seriously, the guy is over on the internet because of his charisma and clowning around, not because of his wrestling. Use his gifts in that regard and less in the ring. (I’m not saying he shouldn’t wrestle, but putting him on TV without a backstage segment is doing Ryder a disservice.)

— SD, for me…was just crap again. Having Mark Henry do the Kane squash (after Kane lost to Orton) was annoying as shit. Note to writers: The last image on SD should never be Mark Henry. And, Daniel Bryan’s speech against Cole was just like farting in church. It may relieve the soul, but its something no one else wants to be a part of. At the same time, he made a huge boo boo when he said no one has ever told everyone where they would cash in the MitB briefcase. Um, yea…RVD challenged Cena to a match at the rebirth of ECW – and won, by the way. However, I’m afraid that will not be the end result of your match at Wrestlemania.

Other than that, it made no sense to have Sheamus and Wade Barrett wrestle – though I’ll say, for me, Sheamus might be the best damned wrestler on SD. Seriously, that son of a bitch knows how to tell a story in the ring. However, I am never a fan of putting two heels in the ring at the same time unless its a tournament structure. In a tournament, you know the heel will face a face in the next match, but in a singles one on one thing, you fear they’ll continue to get lethargic fan reaction for six weeks. But, bottom line, this should show that SD needs another face and a trade from Raw should take place to bring one over. (ZACH RYDER ANYONE!!!!)

— NO TNA thoughts this week, but it’s not because of time. I DVR’ed and watched the first 30 minutes on Saturday, but then fell asleep. I tried to go back on Sunday night, but the wife erased it. (Have I mentioned that she hates TNA?) Too bad too, I heard Miss Tessmacher wrestled again. If that was true, then I’m sure my pee pee is mad at me for missing it. Otherwise, from everything I’ve read, I didn’t miss much – again.

— Quick news bites:

— Speaking of exceptionally hot women, Maryse was in court this week filing a restraining order against a stalker she has. According to TMZ, Maryse – who was once linked romantically with the Miz (that lucky bastard) fears a 61 year-old male fan and has filed for a permanent restraining order against him. She said Lee Sibler is an “extremely disturbing and delusional” man and OBSESSED with her. She claims in the restraining order that he has written “numerous terrifying letters to my home and left more than 50 voicemails on my personal cell phone all of which are extremely disturbing and delusional.”
In one of the letters Maryse claims she received from Sibler, he promises to “not only give you a check for $100,000, but give you a 100 carat diamond ring worth $20,000,000 to prove I am your friend.” Then, over the course of the last couple of weeks, the letters have become more scarier with Sibler promising that he will be “coming to LA” … and will “take me to heaven with him.” In the documents, filed in L.A. County Superior Court, Maryse states, “I fear for my life.”
Look, I like women. I check them out on the internet, and I’m more than willing to drool over pictures of Maryse (and her fake hair, boobs and whatever else.) But, seriously, I have never figured out what screw comes loose on people who decide to kill the people they obsess over. It really makes no logical sense.

Anyway, I wish Maryse nothing but the best.

— Punk released actual contract details on ESPN’s BS Report with Bill Simmons this week about his resigning with WWE, and it was exactly what I thought. He agreed to the contract deal in Chicago just prior to the Money in the Bank PPV, which is why they let him win the title. However, had he not signed that contract, the match would have had a different ending. He also said, before money in the bank, his mind was made up to take time off and wasn’t playing games with the contract or holding out for more money, he just wanted to take a break and was burnt out. But, the timing was right for him to reup. He also said he came back to television because Summer Slam is right around the corner, and the WWE wants to capitalize on the momentum from his angle. He also released a couple of details about his epic promo, saying that he was told the WWE would cut him off at some point, but wasn’t sure when. And, that it wasn’t scripted – he said he spoke from the heart, and admitted that he went too far in some respects.

— A shock here, but the previously mentioned Miz has been named the #1 wrestler in the world in the annual Pro Wrestling Illustrated top 500 list for 2011. The full list has yet to be disclosed but The Miz is featured on the upcoming magazine cover – so its widely believed he took home the honor. If its true, congrats to him. When I say I was shocked, its not that I don’t agree, just that with all the hype around Punk right now, I expected him to take the title home.

— Kane is the latest to be placed on the shelf, by the way. He’s taking a month or so off to help rest up and heal a butt load of nagging injuries. He jobbed out at the end of SD to help get Mark Henry over as (GASP!) a legitimate threat to win the World title.

— There’s no real TNA news either, so I’m going to cut things off. Like I said, work calls. But, I’ll be back next week and feel free to leave feedback if you so desire, or send an email (scj [at] guysnation [dot] com)