Let’s start with Raw for no other reason than its the freshest on my mind.

— For me, the flagship show was definitely a mixed bag of strange with some decent shit.
Of course, the “A” storyline was the fall out from CM Punk’s awesome diatribe the week before, and Cena fighting for the rights of the WWE Universe against the caricature of Vinnie Mac.

Cena decided that he is a believer of free speech, and therefore feels that CM Punk should not have been suspended for the awesome promo that he created the week before. He also asked the Chairman of the Board to come out and explain it to him…which took place in the last quarter hour. Cena and VKM get into a “battle rap” and, Cena gets his wish. CM Punk is reinstated, but Cena is fired if Punk wins the belt and leaves the WWE with the WWE championship after Money in the Bank on July 17.

First off, the back and forth between Cena and Vince was pretty damn good. They really played the segment to it’s perfection and became semi-controversial in the process. In addition, McMahon shit on the ALREADY shat-upon Hogan by telling Cena “Don’t be like Hogan…” which got me to giggle.

But, there are problems: See, I get the premise easily enough. Cena is all about the first amendment, in favor of freedom of speech and decidedly NOT in favor of the WWE – or Vince – censoring the Universe or its wrestlers within. HOWEVER, there are two major issues I have with the entire outline as proposed to me.

The first, of course, is the whole “why” thing that seems to always get in the way. For example, why the fuck would Cena give a shit who he faces at Money in the Bank?

Its great to stand up for something, don’t get me wrong. If you feel that your “fans” are being slighted, sure, then stand up for them. But, by them not seeing Punk and, instead, facing ADR, is it really necessary to have this whole thing go down? To me, it just seems…um…scripted? Tee hee…

Look, my point is that, as a writer who spends a portion of his week saying bad things about the largest two wrestling promotions in the United States, I am absolutely all for the first amendment and freedom of speech. But, at the same time, if someone correctly identifies Rob as a douche bag and he suspends that writer from GuysNation.com, I’m not going to write an article on the website calling Rob out for an explanation. Hell, I may not even give a crap because its Rob’s show and he has the right to do what he wants. It’s none of my business…its between Rob and that writer and I’d probably totally look the other way.

The only way that WOULDN’T HAPPEN is if he asks me my feelings on it, at which point I’d say “you’re a douche” or if the writer is me.

So, the fact that Cena went on television and told the world that he is against it and demands answers is – just – too scripted for me to enjoy. I mean, I understand the necessity of it, but again, I think with a little outside the box thinking, it would have gone over better.

The second major issue I have with the whole thing is the suspension to begin with. It’s not plausible in my eyes…considering the past that we are supposed to forget.

What Punk did is nothing more than what was done ROUTINELY during the attitude era…in fact, while it was an absolutely incredible promo, it was TAME compared to the shenanigans of the past. Like what you may ask? HHH and Candice Michelle received simulated oral sex during a Raw in the attitude era. SCSA drove a zamboni into the ring hard enough to move the damn thing a foot. And, SCSA made Vince McMahon piss his pants on camera.

Punk spoke. That’s it.

And, yes, I can hear you now: BUT WAIT, JERK, WE AREN’T IN THE ATTITUDE ERA!!!

You’re right, we aren’t. But…at the same time, didn’t Big Show just get run over by a car…and that heinous act led to ZERO suspensions.

In my book, being hit by a car is far worse than saying the company would be better when VKM is dead. One is a felony charge of attempted vehicular manslaughter, while the other is simply words that you can shake off by saying “I’m rubber, you’re glue…”

It just bothers me knowing that a guy run someone over with a car a month ago and not get in trouble for it, but say something bad about Vince, and boom, the chairman suspends them.

Its just not believable…

But, anyway, the overall fall out is that Punk is back, the number one contender match from the show earlier on that Alberto Del Rio won is a moot point, and Cena will get some time off to heal after Punk wins at Money in the Bank.

—-SD, on the other hand, was a waste of time.

Someone needs to realize that a contract signing should not, ever, be the main event of any television show anywhere…and that most fans (both attitude smarks and 8 year old children) know the contract signing will break down into a fight.

Seriously… when the contract signing thing was first done when dinosaurs still roamed the Earth, it was a good idea then. It was entertainment and, as such, was warranted a LONG LONG TIME AGO. But… this isn’t the 1940s when TV was first created. We have small satellite dishes now, dammit. We want more than a simple contract signing.

Anyway, it looks like Orton will now have to fend off Christian AND Shaemus if he wants to keep his title at Money in the Bank, after the Celtic warrior broke up the contract signing by destroying everyone.

Now, what WOULD have been awesome would have been if Orton signed the contract, Shaemus attacked, and he wrote his name down on the piece of paper instead of Christian. This would give Christian MORE reason to turn smarmy and complain when he realizes that Shaemus took his spot at the PPV without approval anywhere else. Then, when he complains, Teddy Long can say “Well, playa, there’s nothing I can do about it.”

Other than that, I really have no desire to see Mark Henry beat up a fucking sound guy (though, the fact that the WWE quit playing music afterward made me giggle a little)…

I am absolutely bored with the Johnny Curtis from NXT and his stupid slogans about being painted into a corner or how he doesn’t cut the mustard (is this going anywhere WWE? Because, the joke has run its course.)… and I’ll never, ever believe that Cody Rhodes can beat Ezekiel Jackson. Though, Christian beating Sin Cara (for Cara’s first loss) was a pretty good match and something worth watching.

But, again, if you missed it, you didn’t miss much. Seriously…my fast-forward button picked up a workout from it.

— Impact…well…ugh.

Remember last week when I said Sting is running the risk of going too far in his portrayal of the Joker? That happened last Thursday.

First off, I absolutely hate Scott Steiner. And, any promotion that keeps Big Poppa Dump and struts him out in the middle of the ring for any main event bullshit should have their creative heads examined. Secondly, Sting has reached a point where he is trying to channel the dead spirit of Heath Ledger when trying to portray his crazy side, but he is missing the most IMPORTANT aspect of the entire thing… the Joker didn’t always act crazy, which made his insane moments even more insane.

Yes, Ledger went over the top when he did the pencil trick and blew up the hospital while dressed in a nurses uniform…but he was “normal” when he told three henchmen to kill each other because they only have room for one more person in his organization. He acted normal when he walked into Bruce Wayne’s party… my point is, you need to act normal in order to really bring out the range of the high times…If you don’t have both, then you start overacting…

Sting has nothing but high times, and therefore, he automatically starts to overact every time he opens his mouth.

But, that’s not even my entire problem with the show. The worst part was Hogan’s speech to start the whole thing off – as well as the stupid video on the television of Sting before Hogan went out there.

First, the video – there was absolutely no point for it to happen. There would be no difference in the show if Hogan walked past the TV or not, so why waste our time watching Hogan watch Sting on TV? Just go out to the ring and call Sting out…that simple.

Second, as I truly anticipated, Hogan cemented his friendship with Bischoff instead of toeing the line of questioning whether Bischoff is a cancer. I have flat out said in this article that having Bischoff and Hogan start to battle for controlling interest of Impact would be god for the show, but that isn’t happening, or its on the extremely long slow burn…which is starting to get annoying.

Thursday, Hogan basically made it a point to say he is going to beat the shit out of Sting…all but setting up a match at some time between the two of them. (Shrug) I’ve seen it before. Not a big deal. But Hogan vs. Bischoff I haven’t seen….and I want to see…so dammit, give me what I want.

In addition, a few additional annoyances were:

1) I go back to the idea that WRESTLING matters, yet again, I point out that there was no wrestling for the first 25 minutes of the show.

2) They kicked Miss Tessmacher out of the match first in a six Knockout tag team match…despite my lust for her amazing ass.

3) Devon iced up a win over Samoa Joe…huh? You guys realize that you are burying one of the best guys on your roster, right?


4) Sting force fed Hogan pills in the middle of the ring, yet they didn’t see the need to rush him to a hospital to get his stomach pumped after taking about 50 of them. (And, before you say he spit them out…yes, he spit out some…BUT, what about the rest of them? Or, were they just Tic-Tacs?)

I don’t know, I was actually hoping that Impact was going to be better coming off the awesome show two weeks ago. Needless to say, I was wrong.

— As for news bites this week, there really wasn’t anything of note going on, but I scrounged and came up with a few things.

— The most controversial thing was CM Punk got in hot water for making a homophobic slur while getting into a fight with an Aussie during a non-televised house show in Australia. Basically, on the now infamous Youtube tape that was picked up by TMZ, he calls a fan a “homo”” while bitching the guy out at ringside. Making this whole thing worse is that WWE is a big supporter of GLAAD, a gay and lesbian rights group known throughout the United States. In fact, after the Michael Cole incident where he called someone a “bad gay word” on television, the company produced the anti-bullying campaign. You know the one – the one where the Bella Twins say “no one likes a bully,” and the WWE airs it moments before a Raw show where the Bella Twins walk out and call Kharma fat. *cough*hypocrites*cough*

Anyway, a WWE rep told TMZ that “WWE does not condone this type of language or bias and we reinforce that with our talent who are independent contractors.” That tiny little statement does two things… one, it shows they have condoned Punk for his word while, simultaneously, distances itself from Punk by calling him an independent contractor.


I love how companies call them independent contractors when they do something wrong – or when it comes to tax purposes and health insurance…but then refuse to let them sign independent contracts with other wrestling companies they could make a quick pay day performing on. Shakes head.

But, on top of that…does anyone else realize that, because Punk is a heel, it would be in his character to drop the term “homo” at someone in the crowd? It would add to his heelishness? Now, I’m not excusing what he said because we are both from Chicago or something, just pointing out that Punk is a heel, and most heels that I know are not, in anyway, against dropping a gay slur when describing another male.

However, Punk manned up in the face of the controversy…saying via Twitter: I’m glad TMZ posted that video because everybody needs to be held accountable for their bullshit, me included. What I said was bullshit… I’m embarrassed. I own up to being a total douche in the situation and I offer an apology to anybody I upset with careless words.

I say, let it go…

— The only interesting tidbit out of TNA was that Rick Flair (WOOOO) was scheduled to make an appearance at TNA Wrestling BaseBrawl show in Brooklyn, New York, but he didn’t come out to meet the fans. He did appear earlier for an autograph signing to VIP ticket holders, but left right after. The rumor is Flair turned down the request to come out in front of the crowd and left the building before the show was even over. No word from Flair’s side, but I’m sure it’ll end with “Didn’t know I was scheduled to appear…”

— This is what happens when a holiday interrupts my wrestling week. Hopefully, some more news will spark up for next week. In the meantime, hang in there.

You can find the Squared-Circle Jerk on Twitter @S_C_Jerk