Hey, and welcome back.

First, it’s kind of a fucked up week or two for me. Basically, I’m on vacation from my regular job due to my retirement from my super secret second job. But, in order to retire, I have to head to Akron, Ohio this weekend in order to unravel myself from it.

With that, it’s causing me to write next week’s column a little late, in order to WATCH everything. And, because of it, some rundowns may be missed. I’ll do my best to stay on top of things, but it’s not going to be easy.

But, without more confusing generalities, I want it known that next week may not show up until Thursday.

But, now that so, let’s get to it…

The things I do for you people:

I watched TNA again, and this time, wow…I thought the last one was bad.

The good, of course, involved wrestling. Angle vs. RVD was decent if not exceptionally short. And, the opening match between Dreamer and Bully Ray vs. Styles and Daniels was decent, if not, again, exceptionally short. On top of that, Eric Young was damned funny winning the TV title, teasing the “finger poke of doom” with Gunner before doing an inside cradle for a three count, then running the hell away. I had a smile on my face from ear to ear the entire time. Oh, and, I decided that Christy Hemme has replaced my obsession with Lillian Garcia and has become the hottest ring announcer in wrestling.

(editor advisement: article continues beneath the beauty)

But, of course, there is all kinds of bad involved with TNA/Impact, and it also involves wrestling – or, more concise, a lack of wrestling. I intentionally watched a clock Thursday because I wanted to see if WRESTLING really does MATTER on Impact. And, I shit you not, from the second it went on the air, until the end of the Jarrett vs. Morgan match, there was exactly 11 minutes of actual wrestling. That’s right – only el-e-ven fucking minutes out of the first 75 minutes of the show where wrestling allegedly matters was devoted to wrestling.

editor’s note: maybe they’re assuming their wrestling “quality” is so high they don’t want to give us too much “dessert” wrestling without having us eat the “over-cooked, vinegar-soaked vegetables” segments

Now, it may SEEM longer if you watched the show, but I’m talking about ACTUAL wrestling – for example, the bell rings, people wrestle, a pin is made. The opening match lasted seven minutes while Jarrett’s match lasted only four. Sure, Jarrett was out in the ring area for about 10, but by the time Karen Angle found a seat, Morgan got in the ring, and Jarrett stuck a thumb in Morgan’s eye, it was four minutes (and that is me being generous) until Morgan was pinned.

We also had Velvet Sky and ODB in the ring “exchanging” punches, but that wasn’t a match in any way shape or form, as it just broke down to ODB beating up Sky after the two spent way too much time in the ring speaking. We also had Mr. Anderson dressed up as Sting and the return of the “Disco Inferno,” and a lot of backstage fucking things that – ugh – just was a waste of time.

editor’s note: Think the return of Disco Inferno is bad? Wait until they catch up with Earnest “Cat” Miller. Though I guess we should be happy they didn’t bring back Billy Gunn (B.G. James) or Shark Boy (with or without the Stone Cold rip-off gimmick)

Now, the second hour was much better – we had Winter/Mickie James, the TV title finger poke of doom/roll up, Abyss vs. Kendrick and Angle vs. RVD. But, seriously, you can’t tell me wrestling matters to your company when only 1/7th of the first hour and 15 minutes of your show is dedicated to actual wrestling.

Aside from that, at some point, the writer monkeys decided the actual TNA Title isn’t as important at the Angle/Jarrett or Hogan/Foley crap, and they stuck that whole storyline 15 minutes into the opening of the show rather than the first hour split or even the main event.

In addition, Winter dragged Angeline Love and her awesome boobs down to the ring only to lose to Mickie James, then Love attacked Mickie afterward. (This angle remains fucking stupid and a complete face palm of reality is needed on everyone in this stupid angle.)

Look, for all the bullshit we have to deal with on SD where no one is a legitimate title contender to Randy Orton – a show that is basically written for 13 year olds struggling with puberty – at least we get to see wrestling and lose ourselves in the product a little. But, over on Spike TV, someone somewhere doesn’t understand what it takes to put on a wrestling product. They just don’t set it up CORRECTLY. I can’t exactly put my finger on it…it’s like someone made a formula a long time ago on how a wrestling show should work, then a writer took said tried and true system, kept the stupid shit on the airwaves, but threw out alllllll the decent ideas, and said “Eh…good enough.”

I mean, you can really tell TNA is trying…but it’s coming off as a really cheap copy. It really reminds me of the T-Mobile commercials on TV – sure, the T-Mobile chick is better to look at, and a gold star for trying to write something clever, but my God, even a dumb ass can see that it’s a rip off the Apple/Mac commercials – except not nearly as witty.

OH!!! There’s one more thing I wanted to point out – I truly think Bischoff LOVES Hulk Hogan – like, in a man-crush kind of way. I was watching it and, when Hogan pulled out the best part of his acting gene in the ring and started that FAKE laugh at Brian Kendrick and Mick Foley, I watched what Bischoff did. I shit you not, he was – honestly – just staring at Hogan with absolute love in his eyes, and doing a horseshit job of trying to hide that love by copying everything Hogan did. It was beyond Bischoff acting – beyond two characters in the ring trying to play off one another – it was Eric showing that he truly has a completely fucked up man-crush on Hogan. It was almost….eerie. Seriously, next time, when Hogan is in that ring being captain ego man that he is, watch Bischoff. I swear, your sphincter will tighten up just thinking of the things those two are doing on Mick Foley’s desk.

editor’s note: I believe that might be the first use of the word “sphincter” on GuysNation. Congrats.

Since there is very little of it, let’s get the TNA news out of the way before I move on to the other promotion:

—-This is probably the best place to make all of you sick: From the “I wouldn’t fuck this with Sean Waltman’s Dick” bag of shit, TMZ is reporting that Chyna is getting “back into porn” – literally. Steve Hirsch president of Vivid Entertainment, told TMZ that Chyna approached him months ago and demanded to work with “the biggest male porn star in the business.” So, he decided to take two guys, Chyna, and shoot a threesome skin flick that is tentatively entitled “Backdoor into Chyna.” (Yes, they mean THAT back door.)

If you’re into it – and I cannot see why you would be – the DVD is set for release in the “near future”, Hirsch said. And, for the record, I just need to say…that’s fucking disgusting.

editor’s note: my nightmares tonight are your fault

— Mick Foley took some heat from the front office for making fun of the TNA house show attendance. Apparently, he was busting the Rock’s balls on Twitter when he said his “empty arena match” where he pinned the Rock was akin to the amount of people who attend a TNA house show. He called it funny but disrespectful. And – say it with me – whatever.

— And, Chris Sabin had knee surgery to repair an ACL and an MCL and is expected off TNA until next year after the knee injury at a TV taping. There’s still no word who’s paying for the surgery, by the way – ZING!!!

editor’s note: at least this didn’t happen to a former WWE guy… wouldn’t want to ruin the long-term bookings

— As long as I’m dealing with news stuff, I might as well break out the WWE kibbles n bits here, since some of the things I want to talk about regarding SD and RAW is directly attributed to off the air issues.

— First, as we learned on Raw, Kharma is preggers. This, of course, immediately made me realize that, in nine months, I’ll be able to call someone “Son of Kong” which is SOOO damn cool. Anyway, that’s the reason why she climbed into the ring last week and cried her little eyes out. It seems some doctor decided that she shouldn’t be doing Awesome Bombs when she’s got an unborn fetus in her tummy. So, she’ll be gone for a year, then I expect them to completely just pick up where they left off.

editor’s note: you’re assuming she’ll have a boy. “Daughter of Kong” doesn’t have quite the same ring, but I suppose we could still go with “Kin of Kong”

— Second, anytime someone is run over with a car, it’s widely assumed he needs time off to heal. Thus is the case with Big Show, who’s off TV for 6 weeks or so to heal a plethora of injuries, including a really “screwed up” knee. Now, I haven’t heard ANYTHING about surgery, just crap about how he needs time away to heal and his knee seems to be the most important of the injuries. So, unless some doctors show up and decide to puncture that extremely large knee open to clean it up, he should be just fine and look for him back between Survivor Series and the Rumble.

— In addition to Big Show and Kong needing a break, Layla also underwent surgery to repair a torn ACL she picked up either before or during the match with Michelle McCool. All signs say her surgery was successful so her extremely hot boobs should be back on TV in between four and six months, depending on rehab. And, you know, I don’t know…I’m starting to change my opinion and think that Layla really is hotter than McCool, though I wouldn’t kick the Underbiker’s wife out of bed for eating crackers either.

editor’s note: don’t forget Layla’s ass, which rivals her breasts as her greatest asset.

— I gotta say, SD was all right last week – if not a little weak in the way of names to put on it. But, in response, they gave us things people CAN do, which is wrestle. And, with them short-sighting the acting in exchange for wrestling, then I cant really pretend to be upset about it.

But, as I’ve said, they are lacking star power – especially with the recent amount of injuries/pregnancies that have taken over the show. Sheamus is as good as any on the roster to give Orton a run for his money, but only Christian, Wade Barrett and Ezekiel Jackson are even close to be considered top of the card. Beyond that, there’s really nothing, no matter how many times they try and shove Mark Henry down my throat.

editor’s note: think it’s bad now? wait until he loses his job with WWE and Chyna contacts him about being in her next video. (that’s right, I went there)

Speaking of Henry, I don’t mind him being one of three or four guys asking for a shot at the world title, but I would have a real problem if they fucking gave it to him. With that being said, I’m very happy he keeps losing in these things, and expect me to pitch a bitch of epic proportion if he ever wins and is named number one contender.

In addition, the coolness of Sin Cara is starting to wear off on me slightly. While his flippiness remains awesome, I’m sick of seeing him do the same thing over and over. Hopefully, this is just a momentary burp and I get over the problems I’m having.

Anyway, in the end, Shamus is the number one contender, while Christian – who held the title a month ago, rides off into Mid-card-ville. Can’t say I like it, but hopefully, he also will be thrust back into the spotlight again.

—Raw, though, was quite awesome…if you realize and accept that EVERY TV show has technical difficulties at some point in their life.

Yes, that’s how it started…there were issues with the sound, and because of it, the first 10 minutes of R-Truth was messed up and all kinds of squirrely. HOWEVER, since I’m having a hard time giving R-Truth so much mic time, I’m not really against it. And, whenever someone says “What’s Up” to him, it makes me snicker.

Also, I loved the Ziggler/Kingston match, and I’m happy someone told Ziggler he’d get more TV time if he went back to weird, bleach blond. Alex Riley was off the hook, again, as Riley is suddenly becoming the best thing going on Raw, and Punk and Rey were awesomely awesome in the ring. Plus, they gave Evan Bourne a win over Jack Swagger, and Truth a countout win over Cena.

It did limp to an end when Truth and some “random guy” in the audience got into a soda fight, and then Cena was forced to come in and help the guy out, but it was something that I could look past BECAUSE it was set up well early on in the show as Truth messed with the guy early on, and then went back at him later. PLUS, it’s doubly good because, every time Truth talks about the “little Jimmy’s”, my kid – named Jimmy – thinks Truth is talking about him. Better, when Cena said Little Jimmy, my little Jimmy was happy that Cena said his name in the ring. (It’s the little things that make being a parent rewarding.)

A lot of shocks and plenty of good wrestling make me a happy man. Now, let’s just hope someone somewhere in WWE realize “Hey, we did good here on both shows this week…let’s keep it going.”

But, that’s it…like I said, SCJ may be late next week, and, those of you in Akron, Ohio for MHC, look out for me… I’ll be at the 4 Finger Effects booth and teaching a seminar at 12:30.

Feedback is welcome…