Sorry about last week, but I was one of 850,000 people who didn’t have power in Illinois after a huge storm blew threw and wiped out trees, mailboxes, power lines and, in some cases, houses. Seriously, it was the worst storm I have ever seen – and I’ve lived through a category 3 hurricane. See, Illinois isn’t set up to be able to withstand 100 mph winds for a total of 10 minutes like what blew through at just before 8 a.m. on July 11…we can handle the occasional EF-0 tornado and thunderstorms that pack a 50 mph wind for about 10 seconds…but when you have 100 mph for about 10 minutes – things fall down.

My neighbors lost four trees – one went through his kitchen. Another neighbor lost the very top of his 100-foot oak and sent it through his garage. It really looked like a war zone…and I’ve never seen anything like it. But, the telling mark of exactly how bad it was – in the hurricane I lived through, I lost power for four days…in this, we lost power for four days. It was ridiculous…

But, that’s over….seems like everyone recovered and, aside from sweltering heat this week, are no worse for wear.

— I’m having a hard time trying to decide where to start this week…there’s a TON of news out of the WWE – and TNA seems like I can hit it, and get through it rather quickly…so lets do that.

My one word summarization of TNA…crap. With one of them capital C’s.

Now, before I get ahead of myself…it wasn’t really ANYTHING that made me think that it was crap – except for the overall product itself, the storylines, and Sting’s need to completely over act in every scene he’s in. And, you know, their idea my have actually been good on paper when they were writing it out:

* have the four main guys from the X division take out the muscle of the Immortals.

* Then, have Sting beat Anderson fair and square in the center of the ring.

See, on paper, it looks decent.

But, it just didn’t flow like it should. I mean, the Immortals must really be the dumbest men on the planet to fall for the dumb tricks that they fell for…I mean, I can see Big Poppa Steroid getting taken out that way – he’s not the sharpest tool in the shed mind you – but not the rest of them. Bleh. Plus, the four were wearing Walmart joker masks that you could actually tell who was underneath them.

But, more importantly…Anderson’s title reign, in the end, proved what I have long thought about when it comes to the entire TNA company – steal a free agent from WWE, put the title on his back at the first chance you get, then take the belt off him as fast as humanly possible and give it to Sting, Styles, Jarrett or Angle.

There was really no point in Anderson losing the belt…  Sting’s overacted storyline (have I mentioned he is totally overacting to a point where it’s become seriously annoying) doesn’t need the title to take it to the next step, so having Anderson drop the belt doesn’t do anyone any good. And, now, you have Angle and Sting helping each other, despite the two having to fight for the belt in a couple of weeks?

They should have left the belt on Anderson, let him battle Angle, and then let Sting carry on whatever he wants to do with Immortals…and, again, they dropped the Bischoff/Hogan storyline they teased about a month ago that I was actually get a chubby thinking about.

TNA – don’t take my chubby…I hate it when people take my chubby.

Other than that…the matches were too short despite WRESTLING MATTERS – and Tara vs. Madison Rayne ended because of a spider. Yes….a spider. An icky spider – in a glass cage.

Whatever. Hopefully, someone will pull their head out of their ass tonight and give us something to enjoy.

— Onto the WWE –

Let’s skip SD for now and just move onto Money in the Bank…a pay-per-view that threw me for a loop with the way it ended.

Now, I FIRMLY believed going into the PPV that Punk would have beat Cena, but then someone would have cashed in the briefcase and won the gold from Punk. Obviously, someone from WWE figured out the Jerk – and others – were thinking that and wrote a storyline to play on that thought, but still make us end up shocked.

Obviously, my idea didn’t happen…and because of it, I loved the ending of the PPV. I’m not sure who Twittered it, but one of the wrestlers said “Isn’t it awesome not knowing what you are about to see on wrestling again?” And, yes, it truly is awesome.

(That is, until Raw blew a raspberry in my face, but that’s for further down.)

First off, in case you haven’t heard it anywhere else, CM Punk has signed a contract… now, I haven’t seen the contract or even heard anything about it – so my last statement is merely an assumption, but an assumption based on tough facts. Bottom line, Punk would have never escaped Chicago with the belt unless he was under contract with the WWE.

Maria Kanellis

Maria Kanellis

He is under contract, but inside said contract there is an agreement that he will take time off. He said it himself in GQ a couple of weeks ago – one night after his promo with McMahon on Raw – he said he is looking forward to sleeping in, eating crap sandwiches and – um – I guess fucking Beth Phoenix (who may or may not be his girlfriend – she was at the interview, and it seemed like they been doing it, but… Punk is quite the man-whore so I’d be shocked if he chose Phoenix after having him some Maria Kanellis, know what I mean?) He said in the interview that he officially hasn’t been off for about 7 years.

When he was hurt, he was rehabbing. When he was off TV, it was designed for storyline purposes. Then, he was also announcing…and traveling and what not.

Punk flat says he needs some time out to enjoy himself and spend some of the wealth he’s achieved… and lets be honest, if you hadn’t been off work in seven years either, you’d take a three month vacation if you could too.

Now, of course, that means that WWE championship belt could show up anywhere – however, after Monday, I’m expecting it to hold a little less value than it did at Money in the Bank on Sunday.

See, here’s the funniest part of the ENTIRE storyline that really raised my eyebrows – the entire Punk storyline that ended the way it did is because the WWE wants to unveil a new WWE Championship belt.

Yes, loyal readers…that’s all it was about. Apparently, at some point, someone higher up with a level head on his shoulders determined the spinner belt was stupid (correct) and made the wise decision to get rid of the damn thing. And, in the end, the storyline that was unveiled to us over the course of the past six weeks or so was to make a bigger deal out of a new championship belt.

So, to whoever decided to create a new title…even if that decision was from VKM himself… I thank you from the absolute bottom of my heart.

First, the damn spinning belt looked absolutely gay and the best day that belt ever had was when the Miz turned it upside down as a joke while honoring his own name. Secondly, off of a premise so small that it could have been completely passed over, the writers created gold by giving Punk the microphone and VKM the boot.

Off a premise so small, the writers – and that includes VKM because he either he had a hand in it or signed off on it…they brought back what I love about wrestling – the opportunity to be absolutely enthralled.

My theory is that the WWE will unveil the new belt this Monday – most likely with HHH handing the new belt off to the winner of the Raw Championship tournament between Rey Rey and the Miz.

Which, in itself, will be another great storyline for months to come. You see, when you send Punk off to rest with the old spinner belt, you put a new champion in his stead. Then, when “Phil” has had enough time to relax and rest up – lets say three months or so – then he comes back, and its an instant storyline for people to swallow. Think about it, Punk, who walked “out of the WWE as champion” is now facing whatever new champion the fed put in his stead.

And, if it were me, I’d add another new twitch to make the smarks like me absolutely giddy – Rey Rey beats the Miz on Monday…then have Alberto Del Rio walk out, cash in the briefcase he won at the PPV, and is crowned new champ. Rey Rey and Del Rio have a month fighting, before Del Rio runs into John Cena – and that ends with Cena winning the belt back right before Punk comes back. Then, Punk and Cena spend an extended program fighting for the “unified” championship…until Cena and Rock can focus on WM in Miami next April.

If done right – that’s awesome TV right there. Give Del Rio his destiny, let him run with it for a month or two, he loses it to Cena…then “Phil” walks back out and says “John, how can you be champ when you never beat me…”

Other than the A storyline, Money in the Bank was everything it was supposed to be – a spot fest for young flippy guys who can leap off and onto ladders with reckless abandon. (Aside from the Mark Henry/Big Show fart, but a much needed fart designed to get Show off TV for two months.)

Del Rio winning on he Raw side wasn’t a shock at all – they handed him the Royal Rumble after all, so him going over in Money in the Bank wasn’t too far of a stretch. However, on the SD side, I don’t think anyone would have picked Daniel Bryan walking out of Chicago with a briefcase. I mean, Bryan is good in the ring, but if there was ever a wrestler in need of a mouthpiece manager – its him. The guy has very little charisma. My personal feeling is that, because Cole, Matthews and Booker T have spent weeks promoting the idea that anyone who has cashed in a briefcase in the past has won, Bryan will go down in history as the one wrestler who cashed in his MitB contract and LOST. And, for that I say – poor Daniel Bryan.

Also, of course, Christian used his smarmy to make Randy Orton do exactly what he wanted him to do – get disqualified. Now Christian is the new champ of SD, and their feud goes into OT as Randy now has to try and get the belt back. Hopefully, they let Christian keep the belt for longer than five days at this point, but you just never know.

— I mentioned before that Raw was a raspberry, and I’m guessing that I’m the only one in the world that felt this way. And, for me…I really hate it when the WWE focuses on backstage bullshit that doesn’t make sense as a way to put over Vinnie Mac.

To take things from storyline to legitimate – there was now WWE board meetings and the board never filed a piece of paper with a vote of no confidence in Vinnie Mac. The reason is – that’s not the way it works. Vince McMahon would be told by the board that he needs to retire and shift things around, but if the chairman elected to stay on, then he elects to stay on. In a company like the WWE – where the primary owner and lead shareholder is also the CEO, he also controls the board of directors…and those board of directors would never hold said vote without ever bringing Vinnie Mac into the board room and telling him himself that he needs to step down. (TRUST ME… I have a real job too, and I have seen this system first hand.)

NOW… that doesn’t mean that there isn’t a lick of truth in all of this. If you believe his Wikipedia page, Vinnie Mac will be turning 66 years old on Aug. 24, and with the amount of money he’s earned, he may be looking at retirement. And, that bastard absolutely DESERVES every single second he spends in retirement and away from the business.

I mean, think about the career he’s had: When he turned 26 in 1971, Vinnie Mac took over a small wrestling promotion and CREATED the WWF. He created Wrestlemania, Hulk Hogan, Stone Cold Steve Austin, The Rock… he wrote hundreds of millions of storylines and pulled wrestling from smaller individual territories that took place in gyms and VFW halls to mainstream television.

Think about it – the thing you love watching on Monday and Fridays would have NEVER taken place if it wasn’t for Vinnie Mac. Every wrestler you love (or love to hate) wouldn’t be here if it wasn’t for Vincent Kennedy McMahon. Hell, you wouldn’t be READING THIS FUCKING COLUMN if Vince McMahon wasn’t there.

I’d say the son of a bitch deserves to rest and spend some of his millions, while handing the company over to his very capable children.

Now, we don’t know this to be a fact, but if you look at the way stock in WWE is dropping, and the age, and the money he has, and the fact that his wife retired from everything after she lost her bid for the senate in 2009, and the way he reacted Monday night (tears instead of the smarmy Vincent McMahon “you son of a bitch” face) – I’d say there’s a very real possibility that Vinnie Mac handed the company over to Stephanie McMahon.

What? You didn’t really think Triple H was going to be put in charge of Vince’s company, did you? Hunter will, yes, be the onscreen figure head and has himself a corporate job in Titan Towers in Connecticut, but he isn’t the owner of the big desk. That desk was long handed off to little Steph.

SO, there PROBABLY is some truth to his statements, and the reason why Vinnie got teary eyed as Raw went off the air. I’m sure, like most men who find themselves entering retirement, he’s looking back at his accomplishments and is getting all misty eyed as he walks away. And, I end to believe this is true because, fuck, Vince isn’t THAT good of an actor to cry on command.

But, back to my issues with Raw – I gots news for the WWE, I don’t really care who the fuck is in charge. Seriously… keep the business and politics behind the curtain and stop bringing it forward.

In fact, its pointless under the situation they created with their company. Think about it… the WWE has become extremely PG… parental guidance suggested – meaning its safe for children under 13 years old. Now, I have a hard time thinking that anyone in their main demographic – 13 to 18 years old – cares whether Trips or Vinnie Mac is running the show. I mean – I’m sure they care more about Kelly’s boobs and less about the job title of “Johnny Ace” (I was going to use his real name, but I don’t feel like looking up the proper spelling of “Lauernitis…”)

I care about John Cena getting the title back, I care about Cena not being fired, I care about what happens now that CM Punk walked away with the title, and I care about who wins the tournament… but I don’t care about things like “votes of no confidence from the WWE board of directors.”

So, while this was probably Vince’s swan song into retirement, and he deserved TV time to pull this stuff, I’m not sure if this was the time and place for it – specifically at the Raw right after what was highly regarded the best PPV of the year and the end of an awesome storyline that sent Punk out the door with the WWE title.

Now, yes, you could argue that it HAD to be done here – and I’m willing to say yes, it did have to be done here – but that doesn’t wipe out the nasty taste in my mouth from all the political/business BS going on. I was kind of hoping that Punk was in Green Bay rather than at the Chicago Cubs game (which, if you are on his twitter account, you got an awesome picture of the WWE title on the Cubs batting circle)… and that Cena would be fired. I don’t know…

The other issue I had with Raw was the absolute pointlessness of some of the things they did. Now, yes, we were treated to some awesome matches courtesy of the championship tournament… but then, as filler, they smacked us in the face with an obligatory DIVA contest that gave Beth Phoenix a pin over one of the bad girl divas. Look, is there any reason we couldn’t have just been privy to a Phoenix vs. random Diva contest with Kelly on commentary? It would have done the same damned thing and not come off as pointless.

But, I think that’s it – yes, this show needed to happen in the wake of the MitB PPV, and yes it did a good job of setting up the future storylines of the company…but it just wasn’t something I wanted to see coming off the awesomeness of MitB.

– Apparently someone didn’t explain the rules to Sin Cara as well as they should have, because Rey Rey’s replacement just got his ass 30 days off for violating the fed’s wellness policy.

Worse, while the WWE isn’t naming what Cara tested positive for, the scuttlebutt is it wasn’t Nyquil or Sudafed or something like that. He tested positive for full-blown ‘roids.

Now, I don’t think you need to hear me say “Kids, don’t do drugs…” to know that I think it’s extremely stupid what he did that doesn’t have any excuses. However, I’m going to flat out point the finger at the WWE brass for this positive test.

It’s been WIDELY known that Sin Cara has pissed off creative and Vinnie Mac since his signing because he hasn’t fulfilled the expectations they had for him. So, think about it, he’s getting flack for the first time in his life – being told he isn’t worth the contract he signed with the WWE – and goes off and does something stupid to make him jump a little higher and be a little bigger in an effort to please his boss and get them off his back.

However, what really frosts my ass in all of it is that the WWE is to blame for putting all the fucking heat on Sin Cara before the fucker even walked out on the stage. Seriously, he was declared the greatest signing in WWE history when he was pulled out of Mexico… he was given months of vignettes saying how good he is, he was given tricky lighting, and he was immediately put in headline matches on Raw with John Cena… even before he proved anything. Since coming here, he really has shown he has the ability to be the best damn flippy guy in the history of wrestling… and the moves he does absolutely astounds me.

So, what the hell are the brass so pissed about? Its like they expected the guy to have wings, but then realized he cant fly and succumbs to gravity like the rest of us… then goes “Oh, shit, he’s normal.” I mean, go back to one of my original columns where I spoke about his tricky lighting and said “This is setting a dangerous precedent that he’ll never be able to live up to…” and, boom, the end product is steroids.

Now, maybe, yes, Sin Cara was doing roids when he was Mistico in Mexico… but I’m doubting that to be the case. Here you have a guy transplanted from his home country, given this HUGE billing, realizes he isn’t living up to the expectations that WERE FORCED UPON HIM BY VINCE MCMAHON, then does something exceptionally stupid to try and live up to those expectations…and is suspended for it.

Anyway, the rumor is that Cara will be held off TV for 30 days – they blame it on an injury from a power bomb he took from Shaemus at Money in the Bank – but during the next 30 days, the fed will decide whether to keep him on the roster or let him out of his contract.

To me, you keep him and stop slamming unnecessary pressure on a guy just because he isn’t living up to your over inflated expectations. If they keep him, expect him back around mid-August.

— On the other side of the coin is Big Show, who didn’t break a fibula or whatever they are claiming, but is legitimately hurt and in need of time off. As I’ve reported in the past, Show is nursing a shitload of injuries including his knees and back, and will take two months to rest those injuries. This is the reason why he was shoved into a match/feud with Mark Henry – the fed needed someone capable of injuring a man of Show’s stature, so they gave it to the worlds strongest man. If you go 8 weeks, expect him back mid-September.

— Apparently Punk’s speeches of recent weeks are urging other to “stand up and fight the man.”

The most recent is a doofus minor league radio play-by-play man who ripped off speeches from Punk and Joey Styles to quit his job while on the air. (Here’s a link to the newspaper article and the radio rant of the guy: )

The guy calls himself the voice of the voiceless, says he loves the business too much to keep watching management fail, and other snippets from Punk’s epic promos, as well as the Joey Styles rant before he went off television many years ago.

My thought is, if you want to quit your job, go for it. But, don’t use CM Punk and Joey Styles as your speech writer, plagiarist.

— Well, I know I’m skipping some stuff, but I’m gonna call it a week here. Let’s say my carpal tunnel syndrome has acted up, and I’ll be on the shelf seeking medical attention (or, I tested positive for roids.)

Have a great week everyone.

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