Sorry about last week everybody, but it was truly an exceptionally busy week that I just couldn’t keep up with. In the end, the garage sale did pretty well…making me exceptionally happy this week. Maybe that’s why it seems like I kind of loved everything this week…

— Let’s start from the top here and say – you can throw out most of Raw, keep the last 10 minutes, and still consider it the best wrestling show in the last 10 years.

So, with that, we need to praise God above for CM Punk…who created the best promo since SCSA’s “Austin: 316” speech.

It was an absolute 10, enough for me to declare that Punk is truly the best thing to come out of Chicago since the SCJ himself…or deep dish pizza.

His entire speech dripped with complete hatred for the WWE, the fans, the culture behind wrestling…and went as far as to say what is in the back of the head of every adult wrestling fan in the world: that the WWE will continue to be crap as long as there is a Vincent Kennedy McMahon or one of his many children alive.

It was awesome…absolutely awesome.

First off…if you think this was a shoot, though, get your head checked. This was a complete work by a company that may have finally loosened up on their PG standard enough to make some wrestling fans happy. Someone, somewhere, approved this speech…and proof in it is in the fact that Raw was taped in Australia Tuesday night, and they played off what Punk said to end the show.

Also, if you think this was a “partial shoot” speech – you’re also wrong. There are tons of people sitting in the TV truck that could have cut to commercial at a moments notice if they were so worried about it…but they didn’t. In addition, John Cena laid in the ring the whole time, floundering around like a dead fish…and he could have run up the ramp to stop any speech Punker made if he so chooses. And, last but not least, the left coast played the EXACT same speech two hours later…and if the writers or the McMahon’s decided Punk went over the top – that tape would have been edited immediately.

So, it’s was a work. A clear work…a work DESIGNED to draw everyone in and sell the Money in the Bank PPV on July 17 (got that Justin James? A work..). And, thus far, they have people talking…I bet the buys on this PPV from this one, single angle will be monstrous.

I hate the word kudos, but kudos to the WWE – and specifically Punk – for hitting a homerun with this storyline. They took real life issues and mixed it in with enough storytelling to create a compelling idea…and any time have smarks of the universe actually question whether or not something is scripted or real…then you deserve applause.

For those of you not in the know, though, Punk’s contract status really is unclear at this point. He was correct in saying that his contract is indeed up on July 17…and the WWE has put an offer on the table for him to come back, but from what I’ve read, he hasn’t made a final decision. It’s pretty clear he wants some time off after the PPV to heal up and rest before making a surprise appearance SOMEWHERE…and I’m betting that it’ll be at a major PPV – like Summerslam or Survivor Series.

With that being said, though, don’t be expecting him to show up in TNA or anywhere else. I have a feeling he may get a contract offer or something from TNA, but will only consider it as a means to add a zero or two to his WWE contract.

Bottom line, everything I’ve read and heard, Punk really is happy being the number one villain on the number one wrestling show on the planet, and he doesn’t plan on walking away from that role anytime soon. If anything, that speech he just gave will do nothing but add a zero to his contract when he finally resigns with the E.

The one intriguing aspect, though, in all of this actually comes AT the PPV itself. You see, what isn’t widely known is that John Cena is actually injured and desperately needs some time off to heal a plethora of injuries…specifically his back. And, with Punk out of commission, its a question as to how all of this will play out July 17 at Money in the Bank.

And, I have an interesting twist that could be awesome.

A mini-spoiler from Australia is that Cena was promised to be fired by Vince McMahon if he doesn’t beat Punk at the Money in the Bank match in Chicago. With that being said, yes, Punk has been “suspended” until his contract expires in storylines, but you’ll have to watch the whole show to see how it all plays out.

So – here’s my scenario…

R-Truth wins the Money in the Bank Match for Raw in Chicago…then Punk beats John Cena, and thus the scenario that Punk will walk away from the federation as champion is holding true. Except, R-Truth cashes in his just won Money in the Bank match, and with Punk under contract for two more hours, Punk has to wrestle Truth for the title…and boom, Punk is pinned.

This gives Cena some time off to heal, Punk gets some time off to do whatever it is he does, and it puts the title on someone who can carry the belt for a couple of months until McMahon “hires” Cena back.

And, by the way, my theory is plausible because – well – R-Truth pinned Cena in Vegas on Monday just before Punk turned golden.

If it goes down like that, or something similar to that…color me extremely excited to be a fan of the WWE at this particular time. But, if we get Cena pins Punk in the middle of the ring bullshit…then I expect all of my Chicago brothers to riot and storm the ring at the Allstate Arena on July 17.

— Aside from the entire Punk storyline, and I would color the last three WWE shows as pretty damned boring. Orton and Christian continue their feud – which I get into with a rule of three rant I promised two weeks ago – while Kofi and Dolph continue their schtick. The only thing that really wet my shorts so to speak over the past three weeks other than Punk was the Sin Cara vs Evan Bourne Monday night spotfest. They put on a hell of a match.

But, Mark Henry pinning Orton wasn’t something I never wanted to see…and hopefully he and Big Show will waddle away into their own corner of the universe that I don’t have to follow too closely in the coming weeks. Man, I just see the fed getting so good in one regard, but fucking up in so many other ways.

—- This brings me to TNA and, I gotta say, I was really digging the vibe they had going on Thursday…

I’m digging Sting in his latest incarnation of the Joker, though he’s REALLY on the verge of going “too far” in the whole over acting category. Right now, he is believably crazy, but a couple of times while he was talking on he mic with Bischoff, he danced dangerously close to the “overacting” edge…and once you slip off that ledge, it’s the end and things will not remain believable. My advice would be not make it a priority to get EVERYTHING you want to out – instead, cut the interviews short and sweet, and you’ll be fine. Unfortunately, so many older wrestlers LOVE the microphone, so they continuously talk and talk and talk…thus making things drag on. In addition, I’m digging the idea that they really are on the verge of pitting Bischoff and Hogan against each other with Sting as the catalyst. It really does have the potential to be an awesome story line, but I have this underlying fear that someone will screw it up…a Hogan ego will get the best of them…and it’ll die a horrible, horrible death. (This is your one chance, TNA, don’t fuck it up.)

I also really like the idea they have for Bound For Glory idea – where you have 12 midcarders wrestle in a strange tournament over the course of three months, with wins and points actually matter in the long run. I’m not sure if they’ve been doing this for a while or not, but it really is an awesome way for the company to show me that WRESTLING matters…like they say. So, while I may not be a fan of Steiner being in the damned tournament – I hate Steiner with all my heart – I am a fan of the idea.


On top of that, TNA has the two hottest chicks in wrestling working for them in my opinion. Christy Hemme totally has replaced the crush I had for Lillian Garcia…and my dirty DIRTY mind completely drools over the thought of Miss Tessmacher and her little business suits. Yum…

— I raced through the recaps because I have two weeks worth of news bites clogging up my desk, and I wanted to jump into them.

— Two weeks ago, I mentioned the “rule of three” and promised to expound on the premise – specifically regarding why I’m so bored with Christian vs Orton and why they just should have put the belt back on Edge’s buddy at Capital Punishment and not kept it with Randall with some fucked up funky finish.

For those of you that don’t know…The “rule of three” is a principal in writing that suggests that things that come in threes are inherently funnier, more satisfying, or more effective than other numbers of things.

Basically, the premise is that the reader and audience is more likely to consume information if it is written in groups of threes. This is used in slogans (Go, fight, win!) to films (Star Wars 4, 5, 6 then wait 25 years for 1,2,3 – or if you’re cooler, Lord of the Rings 1, 2, 3) to many other things structured in this world. Hell, even the best titles in the world are structured in the rule of three – like the Three Stooges, the Three Musketeers, the Three Little Pigs…whatever.

In stories and storylines – and why there are three acts in a play and movie – its is to build a progression of tension that is finally released upon a third act or story. See…in the first act of any story, a conflict is created. Then, in the second act, that tension is magnified. Finally, in the third act, that tension is released.

If you’d like, you can go back to ANYTHING in this world and attribute it to the rule of three… examples are all over the internet. In addition, the best public speakers in the world… those not attached to wrestling… CONSISTENTLY use the rule of three to create audience applause (whether its a three word slogan, or speaking in three word sentences,) In fact, punch the term “rule of three ” into Google and examples will fly at you like crazy.

But, if you want an easier test….simply say out loud to yourself right now – “I am really, really excited about Orton and Christian.” Can you feel that little – um, – lump of incompletion in your chest? It’s because you only said “really” twice, while your brain wanted to say really, really, REALLY in an effort to close the rule of three.

The rule of three works on so many levels that, when its done right, is TRULY the most effective tool in writing.

Now, this is why the WWE has fucked up with Christian/Orton…after making the third match in the entire storyline, you took away from the tried and true rule three, and are now CRAMMING a fourth match down our throats. (By the way, the names WWE and TNA are both rules of three… people associate better with three letters than anything else)

The first title match for Christian on SD, you built tension – Randy beat Christian on SD to win the title, how will Christian react?

The second match was on a PPV and Christian’s revenge – will he win the title back and will Randy be able to retain? Will Christian turn heel? Will Orton be hurt?

The third match… they were supposed to release the tension and effectively END the storyline. An example would have been Randy pins Christian for the final time to prove he deserves the world title. It ends all storylines, all angles, all problems.

But, instead, Christian has his foot under the bottom rope…and Randy takes the title to Christian’s head…it all leads to yet ANOTHER match.

This Capital Punishment match, you only had two ways to go with it before you create a situation where you irritate people into no longer caring….they either had to put the belt on Christian or kick him out of the way. Because, if they continue to add little layers of storyline to drag out this feud, then they subconsciously piss people off because they will not plunk down money on yet another Christian/Orton match.

This is one of those times that I will say why the WWE absolutely needs to have real writers in their creative team, rather than relying on people who think they understand what people want. Real writers study this formula and stick to it… but ex-wrestlers and Vince McMahon’s of the world try to milk the proverbial cow until it stops producing milk, then discard it. They don’t understand why a certain formula works, so they just ignore it.

Right, Mr. McMahon? You can’t understand “the rule of three” or why people easily recognize the moniker “WWE,” so you just ignore what works and roll on. And, then, you sit back and say in interviews “Sometimes, its hard to understand when something works…we do the best we can.”

—Want another rule of three? How about the rule of three deaths… there’s a long standing superstition that people die in threes. That means, basically, three people you know (or three people know) will die in succession. For example, and this is ONLY an example, your aunt will die, then your best friend’s dog will die, then your old neighbor down the street will die. Now, it’s only a superstition and, more importantly, your mind relating things in groups of three naturally as opposed to it being true…but whatever.

Anyway… WWE had their second loss (first was Savage) of the year when they announced former WWE Films President Joel Simon passed away. Joel launched what is now known as WWE Studios in 2002 and was integral in expanding WWE into the motion picture business. As head of WWE Films, Joel produced The Marine, The Condemned and See No Evil.

The company said on its corporate website “The company sends its sincerest condolences to his family and friends. He will be greatly missed.”

My condolences go out to the Simon family.

— Little-used TNA wrestler Jesse Neal was in the news this past month, making headlines for allegedly being excited to receive food stamps so he and his wrestling girlfriend can eat. Apparently, Neal and his girlfriend were struggling with money, and announced that he was happy on Twitter because “we’ve been approved for food stamps and now we can eat.” After the Internetz read it, people cried in outrage at how little TNA pays their lower-tiered talent… and then blamed Dixie Carter and others in charge of TNA for allowing one of their talents to starve.

When I first read about it, I immediately said “there is no reason why this guy should need food stamps.” He’s a wrestler, and I know a ton of local, independent talents who wrestle in the Midwest. They get paid semi-decently to go from show to show to show on weekends, and they have never, ever, had a contract from TNA with their name on it. So if Neal was truly hard up for food, he should take his gimmick, his TNA contracted wrestler status, and hit the road where I’m pretty sure he could get booked for decent money per show.

But, it appears, this WHOLE STORY was a bunch of bullshit. After people made a big deal out of his tweet, Neal came back on Twitter and said he “never, ever received food stamps” and people should shut up about it.

Now, first, I’m glad he’s so un-destitute that he doesn’t need welfare to survive. However, I’d like to tell him that he might want to lay off the fans he’s chewing out and, instead, understand people were worried about you…so don’t bitch at them. If anything, look in the mirror, jack wagon, you were the idiot that brought up food stamps in the first place so don’t get pissed when people express outrage at your dilemma.

— Matt Hardy, may not be considered a lower-tiered talent, but he may be in a welfare line extremely soon. Seems, Hardy was suspended by TNA for continuously arriving late to events and being an all around assbag. They added, the tazing of his girlfriend last month didn’t help his situation….For the record, Hardy has not performed for TNA since the June 2, where he lost to Crimson. Oh, and he Tweeted that he isn’t suspended…and is laughing at Internet headlines that say he is.

Tell you what, Matt…appear on Impact in the next three weeks and I’ll take back the idea that you aren’t suspended. Until then, though, the proof is on the television.

— Remember when I’d say I’d slam Miss Tessmacher? well, her website at MissTessmacher.com, has confirmed she was in South Beach, Florida last week competing in the Miss Hooters International Pageant. YES!!! I gotta tell you something… Hooters is perhaps the dumbest restaurant in the world. Seriously, the food sucks, it’s over priced, and I can’t stand the whole idea of chicks wearing tan leggings under their shorts. BUT… if they want to have a hot girl in bikini contest and have Miss Tessmacher in it… I say YAY HOOTERS!!

— The never-ending saga of Scott Hall is back in the news again. TMZ reported last week that Hall was sentenced to ten days in Seminole County Jail for resisting arrest last May. Hall was arrested on May 14, 2010, and charged with disorderly conduct and resisting a police officer for a fight at a bar. Apparently Hall was smashed when he “became aggressive” with a bunch of Indy wrestlers at the establishment. When authorities arrived, they found Hall yelling and cursing at the staff of the bar, as well as the other wrestlers. Hall was told he was not allowed to return to the establishment. but continued to put up a fuss. Court records indicate Hall was sentenced to ten days in jail, but his time was reduced to two days for time served. He is expected to check back into jail for the remaining sentence on July 5.

— Orton has again opened his mouth and inserted his extremely large foot. Basically, Orton participated in an interview with a radio station in Phoenix where he told listeners that Kelly Kelly has slept with at least 10 of the larger names on the roster…but, after saying it, tried to play it off and refused to release names of the talent that rode the Kelly Kelly pink highway in the past. For a guy who is considered a douche in the locker room of the WWE, I’m pretty f’n sure this does nothing to help him get farther.

In addition, on the air, he discussed past issues with drug abuse, including an incident in 2006 where he overdosed and had stopped breathing. He also mentioned his recent concussion at a live event in Spain was the sixth of his career, and that The Rock got him in trouble prior to WrestleMania after Orton told ESPN he wasn’t buying the idea that the Rock was never going to leave the WWE again. Orton said The Rock called Vince and bitched about it, which got Randy some heat from Vince.

— In case you’ve lived the last couple of weeks in a bubble…it’s been raining shit on Hulk Hogan.
First, it started with the Ultimate Warrior unloading a double-barrel of crazy in his manifesto against Hulk Hogan two weeks ago.

And, believe me when I tell you, I was laughing my fucking ass off throughout the whole thing. First, because I couldn’t believe the shit Jim Helwig was unleashing on youtube. But, secondly, because if even a smidge of the things that were said was true, Hogan is a piece of shit.

BUT…with that being said, anyone who didn’t already know Hogan was, indeed, a piece of shit is delusional at best.
But, lets do an honest break down of Hogan before I rant on this whole thing:
The good: If it wasn’t for the combined efforts of Terry Bollea and Vincent Kennedy McMahon, wrestling would have never reached mainstream like it has. He has a ton of charisma, a Hollywood look, and drew fans from around the world to look at wrestling. He was THE main eventer and biggest star of wrestling and transported the WWF from seedy VFW halls, gyms and small arenas to the forefront…and, if it wasn’t for Hogan, there would never be a publicly trading wrestling company named WWF/WWE. No matter what has been said about him, if it wasn’t for Hogan, there would be no Bret Hart, no Austin, no Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson. There would have been no WWF, no WWE, no WCW, AND Monday, Thursday and Friday nights would be boring today.

But, with that, is the bad: On a scale of 1 to 10, Hogan’s ego is listed at an 11. Since his rise in wrestling, he has done everything in his power to control, manipulate and destroy wrestlers around him from taking over his top spot on any company, and then bury anyone that does not conform to what he is. Bottom line, Hogan wanted to be the greatest of all time…and wanted his close group of friends to also be the “best friends” of the greatest wrestlers ever. And, if you weren’t one of those people – like Brutus Beefcake or Brian Knobbs – you were absolutely held down in the business. Sure, Hogan would work with you, but after awhile, if you didn’t continue to shove him up, he would tell you to go away. After all, there’s a reason why Jimmy Hart switched teams on the Hart Foundation…Hogan had pull, and Bret didn’t.

Celebrity creates assbags…Lindsay Lohan and Brittney Spears are proof of that. And, if you want an older model of that – how about Mel Gibson and Russell Crowe. When you are a celebrity, you are handed things on a huge platter in life, and you don’t learn the life lessons required to make it in society. Doors open for you that do not open for others…and people line up to kiss your ass. I mean, lets pretend you are Randy Orton – a well known figure in wrestling but, honestly, a minor celebrity in the world. I mean, TMZ isn’t stalking out his house in St. Louis AND fans aren’t flipping through his garbage. Now, you get a call from a talent agent and they tell you to go to a bar, where you will be paid thousands of dollars to sit at a table and sign pictures of yourself. You get there and you see a line around the block, all of them screaming your name, willing to walk up, take a picture of you, you sign a picture, and the person walks away all star struck.

You – casual reader – would also get this HUGE fucking ego if only for a little while thinking “Wow, look at all these bastards that are lining up for 10 seconds with me,” and you would do anything in your power to continue to make sure you are the guy that people want to see.

Here’s the rub: Randy Orton is no Hulk Hogan…Hogan’s celebrity far eclipses anything that Randy Orton will ever be. And, I daresay, the only people who MIGHT equal Hogan’s celebrity in wresting is the Rock and Stone Cold Steve Austin. Goldberg could get close when everything is said and done, but I don’t think he will…you say wrestling, and three names pop into your head automatically – Hogan, Austin and the Rock.

Now, here is the other side of the hand job for you to enjoy: Jim Helwig remains jealous to this day that he never achieved the success that Hogan did, and therefore is out here BITCHING AND MOANING that he is sitting in a room with fake wood paneling and horrible pictures of himself around him. The Warrior was handed the proverbial keys to the kingdom after Hogan was shoved out, but Warrior for WHATEVER REASON, couldn’t carry the ball. Seriously…when the Warrior won the belt and became WWE champion, it was really the first time that WWE made a commitment in merchandising and other things to take Hogan’s face off their stuff and put the Warriors on it.

I remember, as a kid, my grand parents bought me a workout set from the WWF…and it was the Warriors workout set, not Hogan’s. And, I remember sitting there thinking as I was a smarky kid – wow, this is interesting, Hogan’s face isn’t on here. That means, somewhere in Connecticut, Vince McMahon made the conscientious decision to take Hogan’s face off that workout kit and replace it with the Warriors. That was the ultimate keys to the kingdom I talked about. Warrior was supposed to replace Hogan at the top – yet, it failed and those key were quickly given back to Hogan, then Hart, then Hogan again and so on.

So, for all intensive purposes, Warrior should have been as big as Hogan. He should have been the superstar that transcends generations…but he couldn’t maintain that celebrity status – and part of the reason is because the Warrior is bat-fucking-shit crazy.

And, that’s not me saying it – that’s his PEERS saying it. Anyone who has ever worked with Helwig walked away saying “Wow, that guy is fucking crazy.”

In his manifesto, Helwig runs down a shitload of problems with Hogan, specifically, he caused Kevin Sullivan to OD on narcotic juice, he shit on Randy Savage and Elizabeth, he and his wife had an open marriage where they pushed each other to have sex with other people – including the friends of their teenage son and daughter. He also RIPPED on Hogan’s parenting skills with Brooke and Nick Hogan, said Hogan spent days doing nothing but coke. Then, in a special bonus interview, Warrior said Hogan has cooties.

No…that wasn’t a misprint. Helwig actually compared Hogan to the protagonist of a children’s book and said Hogan has cooties.

As far as the allegations – the idea of Hogan sitting around a day here or there snorting coke probably isn’t too far fetched to believe – anyone who has spent any time in Hollywood in the 80s or 90s of course did some recreational drug use – so him snorting some drugs isn’t far fetched. Also, the points Warrior made about Brooke Hogan’s singing career and Nick Hogan being a lost kid were also valid…I mean, it was Hogan on Raw pushing Vince to let Brooke sing…and it was the fans who booed the performance – boos that, of course, Hogan ignored.

Also, I love the idea that Hogan has hair extensions sewn into his dew rag to hide the baldness. Oh my god, I would be rolling if a rag ever fell off and there was Hogan’s hair on the mat..

However, two things that were said really made me think that Warrior is going to have some problems in court from someone OTHER than Hogan.

First, he went off about how Hogan and Linda Hogan drove a wedge between Elizabeth and Randy Savage that led to the death of Elizabeth while she was living with Lex Luger. I don’t want to go back and listen to his rant, but Warrior’s direct statement was similar to Lugar eating a cereal bowl full of steroids every morning, while Liz was washing down pills with bourbon at the breakfast table – if I were Luger, I’d definitely call a lawyer because, the way it was displayed by Helwig was that Luger directly led to the death of Elizabeth, which is probably untrue. That, and I don’t think Luger could ea a whole cereal bowl full of roids.

The second was that Hogan turned “rejuvination juice” onto Kevin Sullivan, and he eventually OD’ed on the stuff. (Overdosed…not dead, just overdosed.) Now, if I’m Sullivan, I am ABSOLUTELY filing a lawsuit against Warrior for that shit – as long as I am not, you know, testing positive or anything.

Warrior also said Hogan didn’t reconnect with Savage as Hogan has been saying since Savage’s death. He said Hogan was in a hospital for some reason when Savage – who was at the same hospital doing charity work – went looking for Hogan. The two had a quick chat and Savage invited Hogan to a barbecue at his house in Florida, but Hogan never showed. So, whatever…

My feeling in all of it is that I’m sure there are some statements in the manifesto that ring true…but also that Warrior released some snippets of truth, mixed in some hyperbole, and then exploded all over the internet with it.

Either way, it did nothing but make both Hogan and Warrior look like idiots.
Then, as that shitstorm was winding down, Hogan’s ex-wife put her ugly mug showed up on NBC’s Today to promote her new book, “Wrestling With The Hulk.” The most newsworthy part was Linda claiming that Hulk was physically violent with her during their marriage and that there were bowls of pain killers and steroids all over the house.

Hogan refused to appear on the segment, but then later went on Bubba the Love Sponge and told the world that he is innocent. Of course he is…

— Batista joined Twitter last week and told people he has no desire to join TNA. He said he’s received epic offers from other wrestling promotions, but turned them all down. However, at the same time, he said he is sitting out of WWE because he is against their recent PG programming.

In one tweet, he said “Nothing against TNA. They’ve got some great talent, but even though I don’t agree with the direction they’ve taken, I bleed WWE, which is why I’ve decided to sit it out rather than accept very generous offers from other promotions. Hope everyone can respect that.”

Gotta respect a guy like Dave for not selling out his morals to cash in on an easy pay day like other talents.

— With that being said, Chavo Guerrero asked for and was granted his release from the WWE due to the legendary “creative differences.” WWE announced it on their website last week, and Chavo wrote via Twitter “Yes, it’s true. My release is the big news I was talking about. But let’s get something straight. I asked for my release. I was just tired of not being used correctly. Just cuz u can make other ppl look good, doesn’t mean they should just have u lose to them. The same thing happened to Eddie. After being champ, they still had him working mid card status. Being a Guerrero, we’ve been taught since diapers to get the most out of ppl & matches. It’s our gift, but also our curse. WWE has always used us to make other ppl look good.”

I love Chavo…and not just because of Eddie. Every company needs a Chavo to help younger talent get over – and he’s right, by getting people over, it doesn’t always mean they have to lose. Best of luck to him in the indy world…where I’m sure he will survive forever.

I think that’s about it for me…we’ll get back to normal next week with much larger analysis of the main shows, along with some scattered news bites. As always, your comments – or, better, nekkid pictures of Christy Hemme or Miss Tessmacher – are welcome so leave them in my email (scj [at] guysnation [dot] com).

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The opinions expressed by The Squared-Circle Jerk are not necessarily those of GuysNation.