The first Monday in May, and RAW has decided to celebrate the birthday of a superstar who hasn’t been on the active roster in years… BROCK LESNAR!

No?

Goldberg?!

Still wrong?

Oh, right, The Rock!!!

The show’s in Miami, The Rock has the number one film in the country, and the only thing that isn’t perfect tonight is the fact that the man around whom the show will revolve isn’t going to be in a match… for another 11 months!

That could be wrong. Maybe he’ll be in a match coming up in the next few months. A warm-up match against The Miz at Summer Slam? That could lead to involvement at Survivor Series… possibly something to do at Royal Rumble… that could help the wait seem shorter… but I doubt it’ll happen.

John Cena – the man whom The Rock will be facing at Wrestlemania in 11 months, is now the World Champion after last night’s Extreme Rules pay per view event. What will The Rock say about that?

Yesterday, it was announced that Osama Bin Laden was killed by U.S. Special Forces… and you can guarantee that RAW will put on some sort of patriotic display, as great as WWE is at supporting the troops.

All those questions and more as RAW rolls!

RAW starts out with a moving history lesson, reminding us about what happened on September 11th, 2001, showing us how Smackdown two days later showed the patriotic, never-say-die attitude of WWE as they pushed forward with their resolve to have the show continue and allow people to be entertained throughout a tough time.

Lillian Garcia is back, at least for one night (which should make the Squared-Circle Jerk happy), and she gives a rousing rendition of the National Anthem to kick things off!

The first man out is The Rock, and on a night which is meant to celebrate him, you can be SURE that he’ll have plenty to say, especially after Extreme Rules crowned a new champion…

That’s right, The Rock is sure to have his eyes set firmly on the fact that World Championship gold is FINALLY being held once again… by Christian!

As he stands there thinking about what to say, waiting for the crowd’s cheers to die down, let me make this easy for him…

“FINALLY…. THE ROCK…. IS STILL!!! in MIIIIAMI!!!  Because you see, The Rock lives in Miami and basically only leaves Miami to film movies, but because The Rock isn’t on tour with WWE anymore, The Rock doesn’t actually have to leave. And the people of Miami are so grateful for The Rock being a resident that The Rock doesn’t even need to go to the grocery store, because The People love to bring The Rock his peanut butter… his jelly… and, the item The Rock is most thankfull for The People delivering to his home… pie!”

(thanks for sitting through that)

The Rock starts off by saying he’s happy to be home, and then he talks about how glad he is that we got Osama Bin Laden, and that the troops are tirelessly fighting for this country all over the world. He then leads the arena in one of the loudest Pledge Of Allegiances I’ve heard since the last day of 8th grade when 300 of us knew that after homeroom we got to go to a photo presentation of our past three years before getting to go to lunch… before we got to go home early before being high schoolers.

But this article isn’t about  me… it’s about The Rock.

He goes on about how he grew up in Miami and he’s ready to party… and then, unceremoniously, the Anonymous General Manager has something to say.

The Rock says that if Michael Cole wants to read it, he needs to get into the ring… and Michael Cole declines. The Rock says he can be a man and read the email in the ring, or he can hang out in the Cole Bubble and be a Drunk Hobbit Jackbag Bitch.

Cole says he’s not afraid of anything, and he undoes his dress shirt, wearing a Kevin Garnett jersey, and then gets into the ring.

The RAW general manager apparently wants an apology, because apparently The Rock embarrassed the GM at Wrestlemania.

Really? So, a month after being embarrassed, the Anonymous GM allowed The Rock to have an entire RAW devoted to celebrating his birthday… and he didn’t think to ask for an apology ahead of time?

Michael Cole apparently wants an apology too.

The Rock does acknowledge that he disrespected the GM at Wrestlemania and he has disrespected Michael Cole over the years… and he apologizes.

Cole is hesitant, but takes The Rock’s out-stretched hand. The Rock doesn’t let go of Cole’s hand… and he says something that got bleeped out on my tv (I’ll give a #FF on Twitter to anyone who can tell me what they think he said), delivers a Rock Bottom, then hits a People’s Elbow… and before he leaves, he introduces PITBULL!!

For those fight-sport fans, we’re not talking about the MMA fighter.

The ladies show up to dance along, and I think it’s the Miami Heat dance crew, though they don’t zoom in enough to let us know for sure.

Yep, confirmed, Heat girls… though I wish they’d zoom in a little more. Who cares about seeing the fans? I’d rather read “HEAT” for a few minutes.

Following the commercial, Michael Cole got injured, so he’s replaced for the night by Jim Ross!

John Morrison shows up, and before he gets down the ramp, he’s attacked by R-Truth. Morrison gets left at ringside by his former tag team partner, as Truth did a damn good job at beating down Morrison and hitting some sort of falling backwards shoulder-breaker move which looks like a Rock Bottom gone wrong.

As John Morrison is helped back up the ramp, that doesn’t stop a little kid from yelling out, begging for Morrison’s sunglasses!  It also doesn’t stop R-Truth from showing back up to hit his new finishing move again… which he took his sweet time setting up for…

Great way to get this feud some heat without actually having a match. RAW needs to use more elements like this on a weekly basis. Not for every feud, but at least once a week I like a match-alternative segment.

Commercial time! (I do this in some of my television show reviews at GuysNation, and people seem to think it helps the read-ability)

Women’s Match Time!

Match – Kelly Kelly vs Maryse

Before the match really gets time to get started, we hear the devious laughing, and just like I thought, it’s kHARMa time!

The woman formerly known as Awesome Kong comes to the ring, Kelly Kelly backs away, Maryse is still on the mat from some faceslam that Kelly Kelly did… and the referee ran away, so why don’t these women follow his lead?

kHARMa targets Maryse, hoists her up and hits the Implant Buster… or whatever they’re going to call it.  Kelly Kelly has ample… time… and yet she doesn’t escape the ring. kHARMa stares at her, then just walks off.

So, are we to think that maybe she’s just attacking the bad girls? First Michelle McCool last night at Extreme Rules, and now the equally “bad girl” Maryse? She didn’t attack Kelly Kelly… she could be starting a trend.

Backstage, The Miz isn’t happy that Alex Riley wasn’t at the pay per view, and he tells him to be at ringside tonight as he gets his rematch with John Cena… where he plans to reclaim the title.

Paul Walker does a special birthday wish to The Rock… and it’s not as good as the one done by D-Wade and LeBron earlier in the night.

No, I’m not going to mention every one of those pre-commercial spot.

Coming back from the commercial, The Rock is hanging out with The Ladies… ignoring the likes of Samuel L Jackson.

It’s The Rock’s party, and in addition to Zack Ryder and Daniel Bryan and JTG and Yoshi Tatsu (who are all from Smackdown), Kozlov shows up with some gifts: Santino dressed up as a character from Fast Five, Hornswoggle dressed up as Scorpion King… and The Great Khali shows up dressed as The Tooth Fairy… and The Rock says there’s only one way to respond to that… And Ron Simmons shows up to give it a well deserved “DAMN!”

Right after the commercial break, it’s the top of the hour… and it’s time for the World Championship match…?!

World Title – John Cena (c) vs The Miz

Does anyone else realize that this is basically the first match of the evening? I realize there were a couple other which got booked and people showed up for… but neither of those actually went to fruition.

Seriously, Miz, why even go for a pinfall right after that DDT From The Knees (which really needs a name)? Why not get up and try to hit one of your other signature moves? Until WWE has The Miz beat someone with that special DDT, I’m not going to believe it could lead to a finish.

The reverse-DDT setup backbreaker into a neckbreaker? The same thing I said above applies to that, too.

Wait, the referee takes a bump, falls down, can’t see what’s going on, and now suddenly the STF which The Miz battled through two minutes ago is suddenly causing him to tap out almost immediately?

Now John Cena BARELY escapes from a pinning predicament following the Skull Crushing Finale… and suddenly he’s got tons of energy to just get up off the mat and hit the Attitude Adjustment?

The Miz hits a belt shot on Cena, pins him, the referee counts 3, calls for the bell, The Miz’s music plays… but then the ref sees the belt, decides to disqualify The Miz, and Cena keeps the belt.

Outcome – John Cena retains the belt by DQ

Cena, a minute following a belt shot to the head from which he wasn’t able to get up from, magically gets back up and starts delivering clotheslines and Attitude Adjustments to everyone, clearing the ring and getting his belt back.

Seeing Cena with the belt makes me wonder how long it took him to get the spinner belt fixed so it was no longer an upside-down W after getting it back from The Miz.

Before this commercial break, it’s Ellen Degeneres (“the public water-fountain”? not a good nickname…) gets to wish The Rock a happy birthday… and I think someone failed to realize what’s up with the “demographic” / “target audience”.

And no, it has nothing to do with Ellen’s sexual preferences. I’d say the same thing about Oprah.

Last night at Extreme Rules, it was John Cena, victor in the World Title Main Event, who got to announce to the live crowd, that the United States Special Forces had caught… and “permanently compromised” Osama Bin Laden.

Tag match time!!

Alberto Del Rio shows up first, and instead of being a part of the match, he’s on commentary.

Match – Rey Mysterio & (United States Champ) Kofi Kingston vs Drew McIntyre & Jack Swagger

For some reason I think that WWE Creative might want Swagger and McIntyre to be a tag team for the long term. Not only did they share an entrance (in which McIntyre had a very awkward moment where his crotch got a little too close to Swagger’s butt, and he looked perfectly comfortable with it), but their ring attire matches!

Now watch, WWE will kill my prediction mojo by having Swagger and McIntyre lose cleanly…

Alberto Del Rio accuses Mysterio of following him to RAW like a little Chihuahua puppy… and it seems like they’re going to restart their feud here.

Did anyone catch Jim Ross mentioning “anyone who can beat Sheamus in a Tables match”, referring to Kofi Kingston’s win last night at Extreme Rules, and think about how John Cena lost the World Championship to Sheamus in a Tables Match last year?

And in a flurry of action, WWE Creative gives me exactly what I was hoping they wouldn’t.

Outcome – Drew McIntyre gets pinned cleanly by Rey Mysterio

WWE is building up a “BA(star)” campaign against bullying, which makes me want to punch them in the nuts and shove them into a broom closet as they try to walk away from gym class.

Oh, wait, that was me in middle school… and hopefully none of the kids out there have to experience that, because a word to the wise for potential bullies: I started hitting the gym, and by the time I could bench over 300 pounds, the guy who bullied me back in middle school was really disappointed he had done that.

But that’s neither here nor there.

Commercial break!

Heading back to the party, I did get one thing right on the evening, as The Rock and Christian share a moment of celebration, as Christian finally begins his World Heavyweight Championship reign.

Dolph Ziggler and Vickie Guerrero have a gift for The Rock… it’s not a cake, but it’s pie… Potentially spoiled, stale pie, because behind a giant cake… is Mae Young!

The Rock gives her a big kiss to vex Vickie and Dolph… and now it’s John Cena who shows up, and he lets it be known that he’ll be holding the WWE Championship until Wrestlemania. The Rock follows it up with a simple phrase…. JUST… BRING IT!

Did anyone else notice in the background that Daniel Bryan, despite currently “dating” Gail Kim in storylines, is talking to Kaitlyn while Gail Kim talks up Chris Masters? Hmm… me thinks something is bizzare there… though we prefer Kaitlyn to Gail Kim as well.

Another commercial, and no stars wish The Rock a happy birthday ahead of time this round!

George Lopez gets to share some well wishes with The Rock when we come back from commercial, and if you haven’t been watching his late night television show, you’re missing out on the man who could be replacing Dave Letterman someday.

Match – Mason Ryan (w/ CM Punk) vs Kane (who comes out alone, despite being one half of the tag champs)

Is anyone else in slight disbelief that Mason Ryan is part of a main event match? And it’s with Kane? They don’t let Mason Ryan on the microphone, and Kane isn’t really anywhere near the World Title anymore… the best we might hope is that New Nexus might be working themselves into a tag title shot against Big Show & Kane… but when has WWE ever paid that much attention to the Tag Title division?

When things look dangerous for Mason Ryan, CM Punk jumps into the ring and tries to take out Kane, forcing an early end to the match.

Outcome – Kane wins when Mason Ryan is DQ’ed

New Nexus gets into the ring, Kane takes them out, but Mason Ryan stops a chokeslam opportunity. New Nexus get back into the ring, start beating on Kane, and then Big Show gets into the ring… throws everyone out… and then Mason Ryan spears Big Show and leaves the other members of New Nexus at ringside.

Are they teasing the defection of Mason Ryan from the group? I guess they started it last week when CM Punk wouldn’t let him boot Randy Orton…

Heading to commercial, we find out that the main event of the night is going to be The Rock’s Birthday Celebration, and then we get birthday wishes from Regis Philbin and Kelly Ripa.

Craig Ferguson wishes The Rock a happy birthday, and in all reality, it’s far FAR more likely that CF is going to be the one to replace Dave Letterman someday.

You gotta wonder, having heard Craig’s comment, if maybe PEACH pie is The Rock’s favorite… dessert.

The Rock does have glitter all over his face…

It’s birthday party time… and there’s no balloons in the ring? Come on…

The Rock says that this is going to be the biggest birthday party in TV history… and honestly, can you remember any other birthday parties on television?

Whoa, The Rock mentions that Wrestlemania is going to be huge… and then he gets interrupted… by Vince McMahon!

They’re pulling out all the stops!

Vince wishes The Rock a happy birthday, then thanks him for showing up, and then introduces the fact that they’ve put together a birthday tribute for The Rock.

We get pictures and footage of The Rock throughout the years to the tune of “Comin’ Home” by P.Diddy Dirty Money.

The crowd cheers for a little bit, and then Mya shows up to lead the crowd in a rendition of Happy Birthday. The crowd sings along, and I’m sitting here wondering if this is actually how they’re going to end the show, or if someone’s going to try to crash the party, earning them a Rock Bottom.

It doesn’t happen during the song, and furthermore there’s STILL no balloons…

Yes, I realize there were balloons backstage…

The Rock thanks The Millions… says he loves us… he asks if we can smell what The Rock is cookin’, we get some streamers… and there, folks, are the balloons!

Is it just me, or did The Rock just look like he was feeling a bit awkward in the ring, as if he was expecting a run-in as well?

Wow, how much confetti did they shoot off for this?!  And who’s going to clean it all up?

The pyro bursts up by the stage, why couldn’t they have hit some balloons with that firepower? Now THAT would’ve been cool!

Yes, I realize that Stone Cold didn’t show up, but it’s still part of the celebration I wish we had seen!

Thanks to SHOOT Project for the new GuysNation logo!