This isn’t going to be nearly as epic as when The Dwayne appeared unexpectedly on Raw a couple of months ago…but then again, I’m not as awesome as The Dwayne and I know it.

HOWEVER…that part not withstanding: I am back, bitches. And I landed RIGHT HERE on GuysNation. A place where hopefully my work will be more appreciated.

That’s right – I said it. The Squared-Circle Jerk, single-handedly the best damn recap in the history of Sports Entertainment, has come BACK to the Internetz.

Well, to be honest, SCJ was always the second best recap in all of sports entertainment…the best was and always will be the immortal CRZ…I LOVE YOU CHRISTOPHER ROBINSON ZIMMERMAN!!!!

But, I digress…I’m back doing the smarmy crap that people used to love to hate. Yep…I’m back being a prick.

But, the outstanding question is…where have I gone? Where have I been? Why did I leave you when I did.

That’s actually three questions, dammit. Get your damn shit straight!!!

Honestly, since my days of recapping at Online Onslaught for The Rick, I got myself all growed up, had me a little family with a house, a picket fence, two kids and a dog.

Oh, and I worked hard. Damn hard. Worked my fingers to the boner…HA!! Boner is a fun word. Totally gotta use it more.

Anyway, those of you who remember me way back when know I was a reporter, and dammit, I’m still a reporter. Problem is, the whole print media industry is in the shitter, which has forced me to work extra hard, thus resulting in being able to hang on to the journalistic strand for dear life.

In the process of clinging to life while riding on the dying ship of print media, I was pulled away from the sports entertainment that I loved so dearly.

Then, add in a couple of kids and a dog – plus a wife who wants sweet Circle Jerk loving all the time…the recaps I used to love to do were less important than me getting my groove on.

Because of the rigors of being that suburban dad, my consistent hard work thing, coupled with my need to take a nap every day at 4:45 p.m. sharp, my ability to sit down and crank out recaps for OO were impossible. Hell, even sitting down to WATCH wrestling became a chore…and not just because of the crap Vinnie Mac and his offspring were shoveling down our pie holes.

But, fuh-fah-wad about five years and GOOD NEWS!!! The trials and tribulations of helping two kids grow up while simultaneously working for a living have eased, giving me more free time to step back into the wrestling world.

So, when the wonder known as ROB from GUYSNATION.COM came to me on hands and knees, begging the Jerk to bring his brand of non-sensical recapping to this here website, I promptly said “Hell no…” I then completely started making fun of him and his stupid looking mullet. (And my friends say I’M stuck in the damned 80s.)

But, then, while calling him names like “Joe Dirtay,” Rob kind of grew on me. It’s a lot the same way a fungus grows on your feet and itches like hell. You just know that, when it reaches that point, it ain’t gonna go away without some sort of cream or healing salve.

That salve, my friends, is me writing the column the sports entertainment world remembers fondly.

So, I’m back…in all my annoying glory.

But, lets be clear here on what it is I do: If you came here expecting a blow-by-blow recap of what happened on the show? Forget it…that’s TOTALLY not what I do and I’m sure Rick Scaia would be willing to have you read his stuff. But, what I do do (HA…doo doo)…is summarize the action on the screen, then weave in my own smarky commentary to what is making me puke in the instantaneous second.

I make jokes, insult wrestlers, and drool over hot chicks in tight spandex. I’m like the asshole in the back row who loves the entertainment taking place in front of him, but also is the first to make fun of the crap spewed from Vinnie Mac’s brain onto my television.

Now, don’t get me wrong: I say who wins, loses, and sometimes give you other important stats like times of each match and what not. But, I’m not going to tell you move for move anything that happens ever. Instead, I’m the guy who will say why John Morrison is a God in the ring, but someone should put a sticker over his mouth until he can figure out how to cut a promo that gives me a chubby.

Now that I’ve properly introduced myself to the newbies, those vets who heard “he’s back” and came here for the goodness of what I bring, there has been a few changes in my almost non-existent recently signed contract at Guysnation.com.

First, Rob must supply me with a never ending supply of pictures of Lillian Garcia. (Man, I can’t believe Lillian is gone…TOTAL F’N BULLSHIT..amIright?)

Secondly, in the beginning, I can only cover Smackdown on Friday nights. The reason, simply, is that its on Friday nights and I can spend Saturday recovering from the absolute crap I just witnessed via the WWF, whereas, on Monday nights, I have to get up for work at the butt crack of dawn central time every damn week and seeing then writing Raw will turn my skull to mush.

Now, don’t fret loyal readers, after I shake off the ring rust, I’ll might decide I can handle both Raw and Smackdown – shit, I might even get a wild bug up my butt and throw in some other piece of crap like NXT – but, for now, lets limit the damage my brain gets to just one show a week…and SD seems the most logical choice.

Well, that’s it…I suppose I’ll see everyone Friday night (or Saturday morning) for the return of SCJ…and I hope you stick around for a while as I shake off the ring rust and bring this column back to the top of the recap charts.

Yours never humbly…

The Jerk.

(In addition to leaving comments on this article, you can email The Jerk)