#teatime: RAW is in London tonight, which means there’s sure to be references to tea, the Queen, and the Crown Jewels in ways that won’t be exactly ‘proper’. I’ll try to my best to incorporate British lingo into this column to make it more authentic. I apologize in advance to any British readers if I bungle one or two.
#nono: This opener is the No No match for the WWE Title with No countouts and No DQs. Having the premier title of your company defended in the opening match of the show is pure bollocks. Forget bringing prestige back to the Intercontinental or Tag Team titles, it could be said the WWE title needs it more. Any match where that title is defended needs to be on last, to say nothing of being the main event. On the other hand, I do like the title being defended so often as well as this one getting formal ring introductions, with the latter gives it a big match atmosphere. Punk’s suicide dive through the ropes into Henry on the outside might have looked impressive if not for the fact that Henry stood there for like 5 seconds waiting to receive the move. At least most of the early action takes advantage of the No Countout rule, including a flying bulldog from Punk off the crowd barrier. Henry begins dominating, but Punk introduces a chair as an equalizer. At one point, as Punk is landing rapid fire punches, the crowd chants Yes as each one connects. The biggest spot of the match is Punk going up top for the Savage Elbow Drop, but taking a chair instead and squashing it right into Henry’s face. It’s good enough for the win and Punk’s 4th successful title defense in 16 days. I thought for sure that bloke Jericho was going to interfere given the stipulations, but instead shows up on the Tron yet again. Besides more taunting he announces he gets Punk for the title at Extreme Rules in a Chicago Street Fight. I wonder what they’ll do to differentiate it from a normal Street Fight, perhaps Punk will use a baseball bat with the Cubs logo on it?
#somethingbritish: The last few times, the funny be-a-Brit segment has been taken by Santino’s Tea Party with Sheamus. This time it’s R Truth as Sherlock Holmes overusing his magnifying glass and his assistant Little Jimmy Watson, trying to find a job for Teddy.
#americanchampinlondon: Speaking of titles, Santino defends the US one against The Law Offices of David Otunga’s Travel Mug. Not to be outdone by Truth, Santino comes out wearing an Arsenal jersey, only to take it off to reveal a Liverpool one. There’s also Chelsea, Man City, Man U and England national ones underneath. Basically the same way of getting a cheap pop as wearing a Celtics jersey in Boston would be, just a little more elaborate. It wouldn’t be RAW without a signature line from Lawler about how last week was the 4 Stooges, the 3 Stooges and David Otunga. I wonder if he writes his own material. It looked like Otunga had the match won, but thankfully Santino got his foot on the rope. Of course this allows The Cobra to strike for the win.
#punchespulled: I know it’s been a long time since Brock was in WWE, but I don’t seem to remember his voice being like that all those years ago. Just looking at him, you’d expect his voice to be heavier or deeper. But bowling over his opponents makes it a moot point. This comes in the form of a video promo/interview where he talks about how he dominated at all levels, including UFC, and he’s back to take out Cena. Pretty good promo in that it got across why Lesnar is back, his motivations for targeting Cena and establishing him as a unforgiving heel. Something else that is noteworthy is that the Lesnar-Cena match will be an Extreme Rules match at the titular PPV. Cena gets his chance to respond later in-ring, but it’s the same rubbish he always says, only with some whining about how Ace chose Lesnar over him as the ‘face of the WWE’.
#stalled: Ryder comes out pumped up like usual, but gets all serious when his opponent Kane comes out. I don’t know if this is a one off match or not, but at least they’re revisiting what Kane did to Ryder all those months ago. The match doesn’t really even happen as Kane destroys Ryder before the opening bell can even be rung. Jobbing to Kane puts Ryder squarely back to where he was before his big push.
#renamed: So in a backstage segment earlier involving AJ as well as his opponent tonight Kofi Kingston, Bryan renames the LaBell Lock, rechristening it The Yes! Lock. The reason being that once Kofi is in it, he’ll be saying yes when the ref asks if he wants to give up. Bryan proceeds to chant Yes in Kofi’s face like 20 times. The crowd chants it for parts of the match and every time Bryan lands a big hit. He finally gets The Yes! Lock in and Kofi finally gives in, giving that wanker the win.
#fartofall: Not so long ago, Dolph was competing for the WWE Title, now he’s facing off against Brodus Clay? That sure is far to fall down the card. At least Ziggler doesn’t lose as Swagger gets involved to cause the DQ, though the Funkasaurus does stand tall in the end. Speaking of falling, the Tag Champs basically job to the team of Show and Khali. Cue big sigh.
#extremeevent: So in retaliation for whining about Johnny earlier, Mr People Power puts Cena in an Extreme Rules match against a mystery opponent, which is revealed to be Lord Tensai. It certainly is a more interesting choice then anyone else on the roster, especially since it’s an opponent Cena has never faced before. Plus it’s Tensai’s first legit match back and not a squash of some jobber. He dominates most of the match and even his assistant Sakamoto and Otunga get involved. Of course this woudn’t be a Cena match without him going all bugger out with his comeback, though he looks knackered doing it. A counter by Cena into the STF draws Otunga into the ring only to get his attitude adjusted. In true heel fashion, it allows Tensai the chance to retaliate and get the pin. It wasn’t really an ‘extreme’ except for one instance of Cena using the ring steps, so it didn’t really fulfill Laurinaitis’ stated purpose of getting Cena ready for Lesnar.
