WELCOME BACK!!! Lets get to it because there’s a lot to be said.

— I’m going to start with TNA this week because, Oh My God, that is such a bad fucking show that it hurts my brain sometimes.

There’s just a ton of crap that makes its way to television that, you just, shake your head and say “why?”
Look – lets start with Sting. Now, Sting is a character that a lot of people like…and for all intents and purposes, he’s the face of TNA right now. He holds the title, he commands the most television time, and he seems to be their “A” storyline.

On one hand, he’s reinvented his character into the Joker, and is stealing – yes stealing – from Heath Ledger’s character in Dark Knight. And, honestly, this is probably the most interesting his character has been since WCW. But, seriously, that really isn’t saying much.

At the end of WCW, Sting was boring, and for TNA, Sting was boring. And, lets not forget, Sting is old, and I mean OLD.

Now, look, I’m 41, so in wrestling terms, I’m old too. But, Sting is like a decade older than me. There’s is no way I can sit here and watch someone like this continue to win the titles. At the same time… the over acting has to stop. Seriously, Sting, there are improv classes out there… go take one and learn when to say when.

But, aside from that…the storylines just don’t make any fucking sense. Yes, Sting is in a war with Immortal. I get that…but the intertwining of said storyline isn’t making any sense at all.

I mean, Sting turns in a letter to Bischoff saying he is in charge of the network…prompting Easy E to call someone at the network and say “Put the head of the network on the phone.”

HELLO!!!! When I call my corporate office to speak with the head of anything, I use his name. That’s just dumb.
Then Sting walking around with a bird cage and releasing a tiny Raven, and having Bischoff react like Sting just unleashed the Kraken…OH MY GOD!!!

I mean, where is Paul Heyman when you need him? I mean, yes, in wrestling we are expected to suspend our disbelief…and I’m willing to look past certain things: For example, I’ll look past the idea that no one can tell that AJ Styles and Chris Daniels were under the Walmart joker masks during the beatings two weeks ago, I’ll look past some referees ignoring rules, and I’ll even be willing to accept the idea that two women wrestlers could beat up a shit load of security guards. But, aside from the idea that Angelina Love is drugged and no one does anything, I cannot accept this storyline. And, worse, I know its Bischoff and Hogan – and probably Sting – sitting in a room, coming up with this crap, and saying “golden.”

Hire a fucking writer!!! Hire a writer and run the storyline past them!!!! Seriously…

Look, what is getting CM Punk over right now…and what got over guys like the Rock and Stone Cold…was they created believable characters and surrounded them with storylines that actually made sense.

Now, if Sting is really the “Insane Icon…” as is being pitched, wouldn’t someone somewhere call a paddy wagon and have the guy checked? I mean, wouldn’t TNA itself use a contract clause to try and have this guy checked out? YES… yes they would. So, having Sting wander around like this is just – dumb. Therefore, really anything he does or touches is USUALLY going to end on the bad side of the dumb line. SO, STOP…

I mean, I thought they figured this out when they FINALLY had Angelina Love come out of her stupid coma and speak, telling the world “Hey, I wasn’t drugged, I just saw the light and liked what Winter was offering…” It made sense. It helped her character. But, they just said “Hey, wait, even though it didn’t work with Angelina, how about if we do it with Sting?”

No… come on. I really do get the idea of suspending disbelief, but at the same time, there needs to be SOME reality involved in order for me to suspend the rest of it.

And, ditch the silly bird.

The Best Entrance in the Business

— At the same time – Velvet Sky is kind of hot. I didn’t really get into her at first, because, seriously, she is EXTREMELY plastic… but the more I see here rub her little (huge) clitoris on the rope when she gets in, the more hot I think she is. Just throwing that out there. 🙂 (Call this the obligatory GuysNation picture spot that I’m semi-required to throw in there.)

— I think SD was a mixed bag for me. First off, HHH’s opening promo and backy-forthy with R-Truth was hysterical, but the prospect of seeing another Christian/Orton match at Summer Slam really didn’t moisten my man panties. I don’t know, I like Christian and seeing him get the run with the belt for longer than I’ve days is pretty cool, but at some point, this needs to end. I’m hopeful that is where Shaemus and his new good guy push comes in, but for now, he’s facing the bug slow doofus Mark Henry and, while I’m digging Shaemus more and more and more… Mark Henry just bores me.

There was one huge high five for me though… Zach Ryder found himself a permanent slot on SD… and it really doesn’t always involve wrestling. Ryder is the new assistant to general manager Teddy Long, and me likey’s. The character Ryder has created is golden when he’s being who he is – though, with that being said, like I said about Sting, I think he’s reached a point where’s he’s overselling the “woowoo’s” and “bro’s.” Zach, dude, people know you and who you are. Be the guy you are on Z’s true Long Island story, not the guy the writers of those respective shows want you to be. Go easy on the catch phrases and, instead, play up the flake you have become. It’s golden.

But, with all of that being said, I really think Triple H has found his niche in this new COO slot. The guy is just really funny and witty on the mic when he isn’t TRYING REALLY HARD to listen to his own voice. I seriously laughed out loud at asking R-Truth “What?” when the two played off each other in the ring, and his joking about being rushed by all of Truth’s friends are hysterical. No one else on the roster can drop those little quick witted jokes like Triple H does, and the fact that he has the opportunity to do it is quite funny. But, the problem in all of that, though, is that he sometimes continues talking… when he should just shut up and let the audience laugh.

— Over on Raw, though…things are more clearer as we head into the final week before Summer Slam. (Well, we have two weeks until Summer Slam, but you get the idea.)

The start of the show is where all the good stuff was for me because, well, we already knew what Hunter was planning to announce on the end of the show (Cena vs. Punk as Summer Slam.)

In the beginning, Punk came out and basically used the only logic he could to explain why he resigned with the WWE – specifically because in order to be the voice of the voiceless, you need a place where your voice is heard. So, without the WWE camera’s on him, he couldn’t exactly be the leader of any revolution. And, actually, that logic, to me, holds water. He can act smarmy, be a bitch, hate everything the WWE stands for, but in the end, he needs the WWE to get his message across that the WWE sucks. Actually, the juxtaposition is quite humorous to me and makes for awesome TV.

Then, following that, he had a little war of words with Hunter, which was quite good. Hunter threatens Punk for being too mouthy, and Punk plays the wife card on him, before announcing the new term for what he does is called dropping a “pipe bomb” on everyone. Quite cool. Fuck it, Punk really is the best damn wrestler in the world right now, and he’s using all of that to his advantage… and that’s because he’s awesome.

The end game, though, left me little to like. The carting out of Johnny Ace was nothing but a waste of time. I mean, Trip’s knew what he had in mind before the night even started, so carting Ace out, then Cena out, was pointless at best (though Cena making fun of Ace, then threatening to beat his ass, prompting H to quip “Don’t look at me, I don’t have a problem with that” produced a laugh from me.) Plus, the double belt posing was sort of a “Why are they doing this.” I mean, yea, I KNOW why they did it (in the script) but at the same time…its a hell of a yawning way to get off the show.

— One thing I’m a bit concerned about is… I’m not sure what’s up with JR, but he seemed way off Monday. Now, look, JR is a legend, and a hall of famer, and people love him over Cole. And, feel free to put me on that list too…there’s nothing like hearing good ole JR. But, you know, he IS getting up there in age, has a ton of medical issues, and…God, I wonder if he’s in over his head at this point. Maybe he is having a hard time cutting in between Cole and King or isn’t used to the three man commentary or whatever, but the guy really needs to reassert himself or he’s going to be left behind. Cole was just walking all over him on commentary…even in the beginning, Cole and King were going back and forth and JR didn’t really say anything useful for like, five minutes or so.

Here’s hoping JR can pull it together this week because I’m worried McMahon is gong to see it and go “He’s past his prime.”

— In addition, I really liked the idea of Beth Phoenix winning that battle royal, then beating the hell out of Kelly Kelly. The one thing that drives me nuts in Diva land is giving the title to the pretty girls who cant wrestle, instead of giving the belt to the pretty girls who CAN wrestle. Now, I’m not in lust of Beth Phoenix or anything – I have a read hard time finding her attractive at all because she’s built like a man – so if given the choice, I would tap Kelly Squared 100 out of 100 times. HOWEVER, I’m also not dumb enough to believe that Kelly Kelly could, in any way, beat the shit out of Beth Phoenix.

So, Beth absolutely destroying Kelly on the outside of the ring – that’s what I expect. And, at their match at Summer Slam, I ALSO expect Beth to absolutely manhandle Kelly with reckless abandon. Now, I also expect Kelly to hang onto the belt by some weird fluke or whatever…which will tick me off…but between now and then, Kelly should be face down on the canvas absolutely destroyed.

— I’m also not a big fan of Alex Riley getting this push against Ziggler at Summer Slam. Look, talent wise, Ziggler is one of the best on the damn Raw roster. The guy can really perform in the ring… and I’m sure Riley has the ability to keep up. So, the wrestling really isn’t the issue in all of this. HOWEVER – on the stick, Riley isn’t as charismatic as the brass likes to think he is, and without Vicky, Ziggler comes off as a fake cocky and not the genuine thing. I think the two together has a chance to bomb, and I’m not sure if this is the way the thing should go.

Anyway – NEWSBITES!!! And, there are a ton:

— First thing first, Jack Swagger is pregnant. Well, wait…Swagger’s wife is pregnant. This is a shock because I swear, on some level, I would not have been shocked to discover Swagger “played for the other team,” so to speak. But, I guess he’s hetero. Hmm…well, this is Swaggers first, and so congrats to he and his unidentified wife.

— Sin Cara was removed from the opening video package of SD on Friday night, but rumors out of WWE is that Mistico will be back on television and not granted a release like the fed heads were talking about. He remains suspended until Aug. 18 after violating the fed’s wellness policy, but the fed plans to bring him back to SD. Now, of course, this could ALL change… but I hope the guy works out his demons and manages to figure out what it takes to be a WW superstar. I mean, seriously, the guy really could have a great career – he has all the looks and moves of a babyface in the company for a long time – but he needs to figure out what it takes to conform to life in the WWE.

— Apparently talks between Mick Foley and WWE have been ongoing, but the sticking point seems to be “one more match” for Foley. The fed is allegedly pushing the hardcore legend to jump back in the ring for a final time at Wrestlemania 28 – thus making his final match in wrestling take place on WWE soil rather than in the pit of TNA. The legend is allegedly mulling over the idea… but no word on how, what or when there will be a decision made.

— TMZ reported this week that a judge has officially banned 61-year-old Lee Silber from having any contact with Maryse for the next three years. The man is required to remain at least 300-feet from the Diva, as well as stop sending harassing letters and phone calls. She was accompanied to court with her boyfriend – the Miz – and both seemed happy with the result.

At the same time, Maryse was schedule to be in the battle royal Monday, but bounced out because she’s n the physically unable to perform list due to surgery to correct an abdominal hernia. Its unclear how long she will be out (I wonder if the E is doing this for her own safety…)

In the end, though, I can’t believe the Miz is fucking Maryse. Seriously, I fucking bet that chick could fuck start a truck. Makes me hate the Miz more and more…UGH!!

— Those of you looking for Chris Jericho to break the walls down in WWE again before the end of the year may have some conflicts. Jericho’s band FOZZY is slated to tour the UK from November 2 through the 13th… now, yes, he could return then take off a couple of Raw’s or SD’s for the tour, but this is a commitment from Jericho toward his music and not to wrestling. So, I’m remaining less than optimistic that he will be returning anytime soon (and color me pleasantly surprised if he returns.)

— Colt Cabana, best friends of CM Punk himself, worked an SD dark match on Tuesday where he lost to Wade Barrett. So, let me see if I have this all figured out – CM Punk threatens to not sign, cuts a promo giving a shout out to Colt Cabana, and now Cabana is working dark matches? In addition, Beth Phoenix – Punks girlfriend – is wrestling for a title at Summer Slam? Hmmm… I wonder who is getting EVERYTHING he wants from the WWE, eh?

— Gail Kim might be in some hot water with the WWE brass. Seems she admitted on Twitter that she eliminated herself from the contest by hastily sliding under the bottom rope after striking Alicia Fox. She said she did it because she “was just checking to see if anyone was paying attention,” adding that no one backstage noticed. She later added she was told to get out of the ring in less than 1 minute, and that she did it the fastest way possible. She also implied that the WWE doesn’t respect “true women wrestlers with talent.”

However, she backtracked later, denying speculation that she’s trying to get fired by WWE, writing on Twitter that “I’m not doing my best to get fired. Wrestling websites who like to make up news with their wild imagination…haha don’t believe it.”

I don’t know. Kim is a great worker, no doubt, but she signed a contract with the WWE. If she thought things would be different this time around (following her stint in TNA) then she obviously was in La La land.

— Oh shit… I almost forgot another WWE newsbite…According to gossip entertainment sites around the country… George Clooney is fucking none-other than former WWE Diva Stacy Kiebler. I think it was “Life and Style” or something that said the two have been getting cozy recently, and that the two are a full on “item.” Not sure how this will play out in WWE terms, but fucking Clooney – man, what a lucky fuck he is.

— Bischoff was on some wrestling radio show this week and updated the status of Jeff Hardy and Ric Flair. About Hardy, he said he has no idea what is going on there. He said Jeff is a nice young man and is working with his demons. At the same time, he said Flair is out of TNA with a shoulder injury, but that the living legend is anxious to get back on TV (probably has some lingering X-wife to pay off. ~ZING!!!)

— Lisa Marie Varon – better known as Tara – said she will need Tommy John surgery in the coming months due to a nasty fall she took while wrestling Mickie James in a cage. Its unclear when she’ll take of for the surgery, but, fuck, that shit hurts. Seriously… to walk around with that while wrestling? I’d fucking quit.

— And, finally, TMZ.com announced that former reality TV star Jessie “Mr. Pec-Tacular” Godderz of Big Brother fame has signed a deal. Jessie – who I hated in the fucking show, is a former body builder and has been training at Bully Ray’s wrestling school in Florida. He’s expected to debut later this year. Serious, in case you don’t watch Big Brother, this guy is a MASSIVE fucking douche in real life – or was a douche on the show. Ugh… I will stop covering TNA if this dick ever shows up on TV. That’s a promise.

All kids, that’s it. Have a great week.