Photo courtesy AP

Photo courtesy AP

I’ve held off on writing about Ann Coulter’s column for a few days — or about the total amount of time Ms. Coulter has spent on this earth doing anything meaningful — so as to give everyone enough time for a good laugh. But enough is enough. Coulter reminds us that our distaste for soccer or anything else not uniquely American is usually born out of ignorance.

Ms. Coulter says there’s not much individual achievement in soccer. That teams win or lose together. This much is plain to see. We obviously have no idea who Lionel Messi or Christiano Ronaldo or Neymar or Luis Suarez (chompers and all) are. We simply see them as faces in the crowds that are the Argentinian, Portuguese, Brazilian, and Uruguyan national teams.

Pele is also a prime example that there is no room for individual achievements on the pitch. I mean, sure the guy is 73 and still raking in endorsement deals (see: this year’s Subway ads), but what has all the fame and recognition done for him personally?

The great political activist turned superb sports pundit then points out in soccer, “There are no heroes, no losers, no accountability, and no child’s fragile self-esteem is bruised.” Again, right on point. No one remembers Landon Donovan’s last-minute goal last World Cup against Algeria. And losers? I suppose the British media has been all over the case Wayne Rooney and the English National Team only in an effort to be ironic.

And to answer your question, Ms. Coulter, they do have MVP’s in soccer. They even have accolades for the best player in any given game. I believe that is what we American’s might call the “game ball”?

Moving on, you then point out that no serious sport is co-ed, even at the Kindergarten level. I’m not sure what you’re getting at here, because soccer — as with every other sport — becomes segregated as it gets older. I know you say you’re already asleep, but wake up and look closely: that’s not a woman running around in the U.S. Men’s National Team’s midfield, that’s Kyle Beckerman, and he resents your halfwit observations.

So soccer’s not a sport because boys and girls enjoy it together in grade school? I guess we have to throw out basketball, softball, and every other sport both genders play in school together across the country.

I hear women are even beginning to pursue American football. Not our beloved gridiron!

But, Ms. Coulter, you do make a point that no other sport results in more scoreless ties. And for that, I have no defense. And while I don’t presume to lecture a 53-year-old never-married woman on the idea that’s there’s more to life than just “scoring”, I will say that Argentina and Brazil have played countless memorable matches, even if the final score wasn’t to your expectations.

However, your fourth point is particularly interesting. If there were a code of laws out there –somewhere — that told us matter-of-factly what is and is not a sport, I’m not sure, “The prospect of either personal humiliation or major injury is required to count as a sport” would be indoctrinated, but let’s say you’re right. You might be curious to know that aside from your beloved American football, soccer actually has some of the worst rates of concussions — especially in youth sports — of any sport. And while you pop a vein at thought that I attempt to draw a parrallel between the two “footballs”, I invite you to check out this photo of Jacob Olesen, just one of countless horrific injuries that have occurred on the pitch.

If your foot was bent in the same manner as his, I might suggest this is an opportune moment for you to stick it in your mouth.

I could go on like this for days, my lady, pointing out the silliness in every one of your so-called “arguments”, but I won’t. You could say, the referee has called for time in this match. Where you may think you’ve taken the most popular sport in the world down a peg or two, all you’ve done — once again — is provided a perfect example of people’s extremely passionate opinions based entirely on personal ignorance.

I invite you down to Brazil to watch a game or two and see if you might change your mind. Get a tan. Venture out into the now underwater streets of Recife and grab an ale with a couple of hooligans. Put on some face paint and take part in some cheers. Become a part of something bigger than yourself, if at all possible.

But whatever you do, pick on a sport your own size. For your own sake. There’s a lot of soccer fans out there. And, like you, some of them are just bats*** crazy.