Welcome to the Orton Show

By The Squared-Circle Jerk

It’s almost like I never left. Sitting here, in front of my computer, waiting for SD to come on…it’s like <tear> like I’m 34 again. But, this time, I got’s me TiVo!! HA HA HA!!!! Fuh-Fa-Wah has never felt so good.

From the Bag O’ Welcome Back:

From Scott in Westchester PA –

Squared Circle Jerk,

First off, welcome back!  Second – first time e-mailer, long time reader.  Is the balance out of whack with both Cena and Rey being on Raw?  Throw in ADR, Miz, and Punk the Raw band just got loaded with current top contenders and former world champions, and I have to wonder is Smackdown’s main event scene as thin as it looks on paper?

Scott,

Wait, the draft was Monday? Awww, shit. That means there isn’t anyone decent on this damn show, is there? FFFFUUUUCCCCKKKKK!!! Why the hell did I agree to come back tonight? Save me Mistico, Save me!!!

Five Pre-SD! Predictions:

1: Sin Cara will be called Mistico. (Look up to the Bag O’…It already happened)

2: “LayCool,” or re-named “Lay Cool” (because they have split), will be the epicenter of the biggest debate in my return to SCJ.

3: The ColeMiner will make me laugh at least twice.

4: Kaner and Big Slow will be given the ultimate power – to drift from show to show to show as they see fit with no consequences from the master of the space time continuum.

5: Someone will email me this week and call me a moron.

Quarter hour one:

And my return is met with….a recap Monday’s Draft. Yay me. Anyway, UCantCMe was unprecidentiedally drafted eighteen times!!! Making the first middle, and last picks on Raw ABSOLUTELY POINTLESS!!! But, what you may have missed through all of that BS is that RANDALL was renamed the NewEdge, and now expected to replace FirstEdge. By the way – best wishes with the neck, First Edge. You were one of my all time faves.

Green Day informs me we are in Greensboro, S.C., where the world belt has been hanging for about six days. Also Big Slow and Kaner will take the magical interfed portal to SD and face Flippy and the chick from Wendy’s for the “penny belts.” Also, REY REY is facing off against the now heelish Worlds Strongest Man.

But, enough foreshadowing, because New Edge’s music plays and he’s WALKING wearing a blue SD shirt. And he’s got himself a BEARD!!! YAY!!! After the 14-year-old girls stop screaming for NewEdge’s facial hair, he introduces himself as NewEdge and explains he’s here to make you forget about that other Edge. He also tells the world he will beat Chicago’s Very Own CM Punk this Sunday at Extreme Rules…but, before he can go any further, here comes one of the secondary characters from Braveheart looking to “peck a feggghhht.” The speeches end with a down right cordial “Goodbye,” which results in…

Unofficial Winner: The New Edge defeats Braveheart via RKO in 5 seconds.

Wow, that was quick. My first match back and I get a decision in five seconds.

Now, NewEdge intends to continue with his discussion, but no. More music plays and AyeReye IS WALKING and looking none to happy that he won’t be hanging with the Wiz any more. This results in.

Unofficial Winner: NewEdge defeats AyeReye via RKO in 3 seconds.

This time, NewEdge doesn’t even try to talk. Instead, here comes AllllllllllllbbbbrrrrrrrrrrretoDelllllllRRRRRRRRRRRRiiiiiooooooo, his CHUBBY Intern and the Spanish Announcer’s Table. ADR is WALKING…and TALKING and BITCHING about how NewEdge was named the New Edge. He feels he should be NewEdge instead of being forced to occupy the spot under UCantCMe’s shadow on The Red Show.

He also says he can beat X-TIAN on Sunday, and will take that belt hanging in the air with him. So, nanny nanny boo boo. All three get in the ring, NewEdge is twisting the mike a lot like I expect him too when he masturbates,  and enter X-TIAN …followed by his theme music. The GM Playa enters, says “we gon’a do it rite, playa.”  He announces the Main Event will be ADR and the Intern vs. NewEdge and X-TIAN. Then, you know the conversation is over because he ends with “holla!!!” The stare down, a weak-assed drop kick to the Intern, the bad guys make a run for it to the ramp, where the obligatory bitching continues.

Quarter hour 2:

DID YOU KNOW: WWE SUPERSTARS SLINGSHOT IS THE #1 KIDS GAME APP IN EGYPT, BELGIUM, JORDAN, TURKEY and INDIA??? Of course, a lot like that stupid Royal Wedding this morning, this fact has nothing to do with THIS SIDE of the Atlantic.

Hey Mon, wearing the Raw red, comes out, but the Red-Headed Spermazoa and his blue shirt attacks him on the ramp. Hey Mon sells the beat down big time, and Spermazoa celebrates the ass whipping with a Bro kick in the ring. Not much here, except continuing Spemazoa’s pale rise to a main eventer on The Blue Show.

Unofficial Winner: Spermazoa defeats Hey Man via BroKick in about 1 minute.

Raw Recap: ColeMiner gets a split lip from Good Ole JR on Monday. . But, I don’t recap recaps.

Quarter hour 3:

ColeMiner in the ring with a shiner and a big ‘ole fat lip. He pisses off the crowd, giving me a pretty good laugh, and he brings out the Lisper and his red shirt. I don’t know, some people don’t like the CoalMiner, but I’ve found his bit lately pretty damn funny. Before the Lisper can get to the mic, though, Mistico and his blue shirt walks out, jumps off his trampoline and into the ring.

I don’t know, but no one seems to look as stupid in their shirts than Mistico for some reason. Maybe it’s the mask…

Anyway, Lisper goes on the O first, but Mistico comes back with some high flying moves. Wicked leap off the turnbuckle impressed me. Wait…how come the house lights didn’t come up and Mistico’s blue and yellow lights are staying on for the whole match. I can’t tell if it’s on purpose or something is all kinds of broken, but either way, I’m really not digging it. The match concludes when ColeMiner hands Lisper a foreign object, but Mistico rolls him up from behind. Plus, the Lisper caught a 15-foot dive from the top rope to the outside. Man, this guy is everything they promised…and will shine on the Blue Show.

I really hope they fix those lights though. I won’t be able to deal with the idea that he gets special dark lights during his matches.

Kaner and Big Slow are WALKING!!! <Before I get a letter – Yes, I absolutely stole the whole “Wrestler is WALKING” from CRZ. But as Chris’s old internet buddy, who took over as the best internetz recapper when he stepped down (in a special ceremony even) I have always written this as a tribute to him and his incredible recaps. If he ever comes back, I will happily stop doing it. But, honestly, he knows about it, I told him I’d do it in all my recaps, he said thanks…and I don’t plan on stopping till he comes to me and says “I’m back…so stop.” On that note, I love ya and miss ya, CRZ. Come back soon.)

kHARMa is coming to pop some barbi bitch doll heads off. I love how AWESOME and KONG like she is.

Quarter hour 4:

Enter Flippy and Wendy bitching at each other, showing that whole Ccooree thing is breaking up. Then, “Well it’s a Big BOOM!!!” And Kaner and Big Slow wearing opposite colors come out – West Side/East Side showing unity!!! Its Like Biggie Smalls and Tu-Pac hugging!!!! “We are the world…we are the children…”

Anyway, over-under is three minutes before the “penny belt” goes back with the 800 pounds of no sell.

Big Show starts as the face in peril to Wendy and Flippy, but he kicks out with AUTHORITAY, before we head to commercial.

We come back, and via tape delay and editing, we’ll never know if my over-under came true.  Big Slow remains face in peril through the break, which is actually very, very strange. Flippy locks in a sleeper, this prompts GI Bro to call Flippy a monkey, seconds before Big Slow nails a side slam. As Cole oversells it, HOT TAG TO KANER!!! Kaner with a near fall, a second near fall, hell breaks loose but ends with a double choke slam and a three count. Penny belts will continue their interfed space-time jump around the waists of the 800 pounds of no sell.

Kahli and his speaker are in the back, and they bump into Rey Rey. And, wow, I cant understand a damn thing that big bastard is saying. Ha Ha. I’m guessing they celebrate the fact that they are on different shows now, before another guy comes in and…um…well, words ARE spoken. Unfortunately, I REALLY don’t understand a single word one of them is saying. Worse, what in the hell was the point of THIS WHOLE THING? Wait…why is Kahli still wrestling? He’s the worst damn worker I’ve ever seen.

See, it’s times like these I wish they would just show boobs.

Quarter hour 5:

Rey Rey comes out and makes magic fireworks shoot out of his fingertips. No doubt, as he makes his way to the ring, he is trying to figure out like me why the WWF made him talk to Khali instead of just showing boobs like men around the world want. They recap Rey Rey getting his ass whipped by Dusty Rhodes Jr. last week. After the recap, Rey Rey grabs a mic and tells everyone to love him, even though he was booted over to the Red Show.

And, PAUSE…

What the Absolute Fuck, Here? These guys UNDERSTAND that both the Red Show and the Blue Show are still on TV, are owned by the same company and draw the same fans, right? It’s not like we won’t see Rey Rey, Kofi, the Big Slow and whoever else went from Blue to Red on Monday night’s, right? So why are these guys coming out here and giving farewell/introduction speeches? YOU AREN’T DEAD. YOU AREN’T GOING TO TNA. YOU AREN’T RETIRING. You went to the other, higher rated show, where you’ll be stuck in mid-card hell because the talent roster there is epic. Instead of acting like you’re dead, just come out and say “Hey, see you Monday.” Thumbs up, Smile. Wink. Then move on. Besides, it’s not like Rey Rey will not be one of the guys jumping back and forth and shit between the space-time wormhole. Eventually, they are going to have to do Mistico and Rey Rey. Amiright?

PLAY.

Anyway, the Worlds Strongest Man comes out to the ring and tells Rey to get in his belly. Rey doesn’t want to be the next taco on Henry’s plate, so he fights back. The 14 year olds chant 619, while Rey Rey mounts some “little big man” offense to get something going. It doesn’t work. Strong Man tosses Rey Rey around like a little baby. Funniest thing is when Strong Man stands on Rey for longer than it took NewEdge to put out two guys in the opening segment. HA!! Rey’s eyes are actually bugging out of his skull through the eyeholes in his mask. Anyway, the big man tactics work for awhile, until Rey counters Henry to the floor, giving us enough time to…go to commercial.

Strong Man remains the man in peril…till he ties up Rey in the Tree of Woe. Strong Man runs him over, the announcers over sell, and then are shocked when Rey Rey kicks out. More pain for Rey, but he reverses the fortune when he rolls out of a sit down squash. Rey gets Strong Man set up for the 619…which, by the way, Strong man completely fucked up. He fell in the corner, but wasn’t in the correct position, so he looked real fake in inching over to the required 619 position. Then, after getting there, he looked twice as bad because he couldn’t get his fat ass off the ring ropes to fall after he was hit by Rey. HA!!!

Anyway, after the 619, Rhodes Jr. and his Spencer Pratt mask comes out lays the boots to Rey Rey. This results in

Winner: Rey Rey defeats Worlds Strongest Man via DQ in about 7 minutes.

After the bell, Rhodes sends Rey to the fans, then decides he wants him back and goes and gets him. He eventually tosses Rey back in the ring, where The Worlds Strongest Man does the Worlds Strongest Slam, squishing Rey Rey into a puddle in the middle of the ring. Then, The Worlds Strongest Man, turns Rey Rey into The Worlds Strongest Sammich and eats him. No, WAIT!!! Rey Rey doesn’t get eaten…but Rhodes DOES put a paper bag on Rey Rey, giving him the dreaded double mask of shame.

Pre-Match Hype: Guess what, there’s a main event tonight. And guess what further, there’s a PPV Sunday. So many things to remember, I need to start taking notes.

I’ll have you know that were entering the

Quarter hour 6:

And I haven’t seen a single damn boob. The shame of it is epic.

Whoa, wait, I take it back.

Recap of LayCool becoming Lay Cool. Then Lay beating up Cool.

DEBATE OF THE NIGHT: Who would you rather do? Lay or Cool? For me, it’s TOTALLY like picking between Veronica or Betty, Ginger or Marianne, Betty Rubble or Wilma Flintstone. Everyone has a choice. Everyone has an opinion.

Mine: Cool. But, only if I have the Underbiker’s approval – I don’t want to be the twenty in the term twenty and oh. If I don’t get his approval, then I choose Lay… I bet she could fuck start a truck.

Anyway – Cool comes walking out, covering the Underbiker’s breastestes with the obligatory blue shirt. Needless to say, this does not make me happy. Then, Lay enters after Cool, looking downtrodden, and also covering HER breastestes with the obligatory blue shirt. Again, my disappointment is reaching new heights.

Anyway, the girls are rolling. And entwined. And sweaty. Then the oil comes out. Then, a little kissing. Then some rubbing. A little trib action. Some stinky pinky…

WAIT!!…I’M A JOURNALIST DAMMIT!!! GET IT RIGHT!!!!

Anyway, this starts in the ring, then breaks down outside the ring. They fight more, the ref counts to 10. This means…

Winner: No one via double count out.

The fight continues for awhile, it takes MANY MANY MANY MANY MANY referees to separate two little tiny skinny girls. Of course, then, they announce the big “falls count anywhere no DQ match” Sunday at Extreme Rules.  Oh…added stipulation, loser leaves WWE. Well, I didn’t see that coming. But, eh…I want more boobs anyway.

Quarter hour 7:

A “journalist” asks X-TIAN a softball question about something – I didn’t hear it because my fingers got all entwined and I started typing weird shit and I had to fix the copy here. Remember, I warned of ring rust – this shit happens. But, the basis of everything is that X-TIAN has now declared himself the winner Sunday. But, my overall thought about this little segment – I like X-TIAN more as a heel than a face. He’s better when posing for people with the benefit of flash photography.

The obligatory 5 minute X-treme Rules Video Preview: Hey, look, there’s matches on Sunday!!! Yay!!! But it costs money!!! Boo!!!

Here were are at the Main Event:

ADR comes out driving a car I can’t afford while his intern doesn’t get the benefit of a flashy musical intro. I don’t know what kind of car it is ADR is driving – it looks like a Porsche – but Josh from TE1 tells us it costs $250,000. This prompts ColeMiner to tell us that ADR drove him around in the front seat of that car today. Ha!!

A commercial.

DID YOU KNOW: FOR THE 30th CONSECUTIVE WEEK, SMACKDOWN WAS SyFy’S MOST WATCHED SHOW OF THE WEEK!!! Beating out such classics as Ghost Hunters. Destination Truth and MegaCroc vs Shark-o-Puss?

Enter X-TIAN and NewEdge. They are cheered. They are loved. They are the replacements for Edge!!! Oh, and I can’t believe NewEdge is still doing that stupid, gay pose in the corner. Someone should tell him “Hey, dude, you look queer.”

Quarter hour 8:

ADR and X-TIAN start, ADR tags in the chubby intern rather than face the face, and chubby intern leans on X-TIAN while X-TIAN does the counter stuff to get free. ADR is tagged in when X-TIAN has an owwie, and he gets off some moves. But NewEdge gets a quick tag and he works over ADR to a cover for two, before a reversal brings the intern in again, where the weight issue comes into play again. NewEdge is sent outside and then…commercial.

We come back and NewEdge is the face in peril. A hot tag is teased, but ADR is in there protecting it. NewEdge counters, hot tag on both ends, and the Intern gets his ass handed to him by X-TIAN until X-TIAN gets caught in a BLISTERING MID-AIR FALL AWAY SLAM!!! (It wasn’t that spectacular, just wanted to use ALL CAPS for some reason. Smiley face and hugs to you, loyal reader.) Some more weight games followed by an ADR double team leave X-TIAN in pain. ADR comes in trying to rip of X-TIAN’S arm to set up his wicked arm bar, and it works until ADR takes a sick bump after X-TIAN back body drops him over the turnbuckle to the floor. X-TIAN is looking for a tag, but feigns being lost, giving ADR time to tag the Intern. More power moves on X-TIAN leaves him in a world of hurt, and ADR is tagged back in. ADR slows the pace down, but gets caught in a top rope hurricarana. X-TIAN makes the hot tag, NewEdge does the rope assisted DDT, then he spins and does that stupid “pound the mat” thing to set up the RKO. But ADR counters the RKO, pushes him into the rope, where he’s tripped up by the Intern. ADR saves himself by tagging in the Intern, who is IMMEDIATELY met with the here-to-fore missing RKO. The pin is all but a formality.

Winner: NewEdge and X-TIAN over ADR and Intern via pin at about 15 minutes.

NewEdge points to self on the second turnbuckle – as if he is telling all that he is NewEdge and accept him as such. Of course, X-TIAN isn’t allowed such displays. Instead, he stands in the ring and looks up at the world belt, as if he’s wondering in his head how long he’ll be able to keep said golden waistband before it’s flat out handed to NewEdge.

Overall:

Thank God some the Red Shirts showed up this week, because it made the show semi-enjoyable. But I’m trying to figure out where they go from here. The Blue roster is REALLY depleted…you got X-TIAN, NewEdge, maybe Mistico and the Spermazoa, but after that, it’s a bunch of WWF Midcarders. This week, I’ll toss out a 7 out of 10, but it’ll be awhile before that score goes back up this high.

Number of predictions I got right: 4 out of 5, but I could go 100 percent if calls me a moron in email. Not bad for a first night back. Though, I’m winded. The ring rust is there, the neck is sore and I need a massage.

Have a good week and see you next Friday.

The Jerk likes criticism. Leave a comment here, or contact him the non-public way.
emails can be sent to scj at guysnation dot com