Because Pope Benedict XVI is stepping down from his position as the leader of the Roman Catholic Church and he’s not gravely ill, we thought this might be a good opportunity to provide some unsubstantiated (and light-hearted) reasons why it’s suspected that Joseph Ratzinger is leaving The Vatican.

Not How He Wants To Roll Anymore

Having blessed both Ferrari’s and Electric Cars, there’s no longer the hope for a vehicle endorsement deal, and he’s getting tired of the Pope-mobile.

Fell In Love With A Girl

Having formed a bond through discussions online and over the phone, he’s giving up his vow of chastity for Lennay Kekua.

Paying Up For Super Sunday

The Ravens won the Super Bowl, so he lost the bet with one of the Cardinals. Which one? We’ll find out when he appears as the next man in the job.

Quoth The Raven

He’s making way for Ray Lewis to take the position, recognizing his once-flawed-but-inspirational nature and dedication to a cause.

White Stripes

There are only so many times you can hear the song “Fell In Love With A Girl” without wanting to experience it for yourself.


Allure of #SixSeasonsAndAMovie

In a move which will give him more influence, albeit to a smaller group, Ratzinger will be replacing Chevy Chase on Community.

He will also be replacing the duo who replaced Dan Harmon as the show-runner on Community.

Pulling triple-duty, he will also be replacing whoever is currently serving as replacements on Happy Endings for the prior show-runners, who left to be replacements for Dan Harmon on Community.

Canceled Too Soon

He heard Dirty Jobs had been cancelled, and he’d only been waiting around for Mike Rowe to do an episode from The Vatican.

“You Belong With Me”

He doesn’t believe Taylor Swift means it when she says they are “never ever” getting back together.

2015 Is Coming Soon

The role of Batman has yet to be cast in the upcoming Justice League movie, and he wants to spend less time blessing things and more time on preparing for his audition, by which he means sculpting his abs.


Do Thy Bidding

If he doesn’t get cast as Batman, he wants to try his hand at Emperor Palpatine cosplay, something his current schedule rarely allows. As a secondary part of that plan, he intends to lobby for Palpatine to not only be included in the upcoming trilogy (#HabeasCorpus), but to be cast in the role he’s already the front-runner for.

Reddit Envy

The Vatican wouldn’t let him fulfill a request to start a thread on

Total Dedication

Think you’re giving up something significant for Lent? He’s showing Catholics what true sacrifice is all about.

Sure Up That Bullpen

He’s trying to make it with the San Diego Padres, and Spring Training is right around the corner.

Headed To The Street

Ratzinger will be replacing Kevin Cash on Sesame Street.


Other Contributor: @BCLienesch